Monday, December 15, 2014

Day 4 Stats -- in English and Fuckface

Day 5, let's keep moving:

Jo-Jo's Tavern
2677 Nottingham Way
Hamilton, NJ 08619

609/ 586-2678

www.jojostavernnj.com


Day 4 Stats:

There’s nothing like a TDDoC pub crawl. Most nights of the TDDoC, we attend a single bar, enjoy drafts of fine beer or ale, and perhaps some vittles, and then head home. But on a pub crawl, we venture to multiple bars – that is, we go to more than a single bar - I hope you get the idea - really, it’s not all that complicated.

And so on the crisply cool, breezy evening of December 12, 2014, we executed the aforementioned pub crawl through ancient Bordentown. The crew met at Jester’s on the east side of town (or maybe it was on some other side of town). I really have almost nothing to say about Jester’s – I got to the front door when my antique portable cellular device buzzed and displayed a text message from Ska, who was out on point doing recon down the street in the vicinity of Farnsworth house and was in need of support.

In a centralized organization in which all decision-making power is vested in the executive body, one would have to obtain the necessary approvals from all of the ranks in which there is a vested interest in the outcome, but G-man and Tamp can go do all kinds of wacky stuff to themselves (use your imagination liberally), so if they think I need their permission to simply walk down the street and look for Ska in a non–TDDoC–sanctioned server of spirits. Really, who do they think they are, anyway?

Ska is clearly not at all concerned that he is ingesting a glass of Peroni in a place not called Jesters, Farnsworth House, or the HOB, the approved stops of the aforementioned Bordentown pub crawl. I share his lack of concern. In fact, I think that we derive more than a bit of glee by defying the tyrannical masters of TDDoC fate. But our glee is short-lived as a text from Tamp indicating that attendance at the Farnsworth House (FH) is mandatory – as in, get over there right away. So we oblige and meekly stumble into warmth of the FH and head over the bar region, where we see Art, Julie, and Warren, and Scugi, Tamp, Reese, Katherine, Rose, Lisa, E-man, and Kaden. We are soon joined by other latecomers – Laura, Rebecca, Erin and others who just finished harvesting X-mas trees from Longwood Gardens, followed by Rita, and then the incomparable, lovely, and talented Mertz.

Seeing Mertz stroll through the bar region of FH, not a care in the world, almost gliding on air, as if propelled by forces not of this world – yeah, I didn’t see it either. I'm not sure if anyone ever has.

Bar conversation. The art of bar conversation, where you pretend that whatever someone is saying to you is incredibly clever or fascinatingly brilliant is, well, a lost art. Or maybe it’s a practice which has always been imagined to be awesomely great in the past, but upon closer inspection, never really was all that great. Kind of like Don Sutton’s entry into the baseball Hall of Fame, or a present day patriot’s view of America. I suppose it’s gratifying to criticize the present state of things and harken back to romantic notions of the past – there’s a whole industry devoted to it – it’s called Faux News.


Where was I? Right, we’re at FH, enjoying an eclectic selection of beers and ales and running out of things to say, when G-man realizes that his couch has been left unsupervised and unmonitored all evening and scrambles out the door. He leaves so fast that he almost forgets to take Su with him. Poor Su – she will have to tell the children that they were the first to abandon our gang because Daddy was worried that the couch cushions were on the verge of losing those special contours that G-man has spent years crafting – the contours that nearly exactly conform to his derriere (i.e. a$$, for those of you who don’t speak French).

An advance team is assembled to scout out the final bar on this particular pub crawl. Ska, though not mortally wounded from the prickly undertones of earlier text messages from the tyrants who run this thing, elects to move out with the main forces, so Lisa, Rose, and I head out because we are tired of standing and looking around FH. We encounter scant resistance and in a matter of minutes arrive at the HOB to find it occupied by mostly friendly villagers and set up camp at one of the relatively unoccupied sections of the bar. We see that Rebecca has established a troop presence just across the bar – if hostilities break out, we are in perfect position to execute a textbook pincer movement – if only we knew what that meant. Soon, reinforcements arrive and so do some new recruits – Shea, John, and Pods. Not that Pods is a rookie. He’s seen more action than all of us combined – so much action, that he’s got the thousand-yard stare thing going on. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just google it. Also please let me know, if it’s not too much trouble.

Hobnobbing with the HOBers is a great American pastime. It ranks up there with rotary phone, texting, and those killer lawn darts. HOBers are the kind of simple and friendly folk you’d expect to find in Middle Earth. With their furry feet, love of strong ales, and passion for adventure, they are the backbone of this country. Problem is I can’t understand a single thing they say. But they do love a good game of darts on a Friday night, and our American paper money is one of their fondest targets. I’m not sure I completely grasped the rules of this contest, but it looked like whoever threw their dart the farthest from George Washington’s portrait was the winner. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out who won, but Shea and Pods looked like they were giving the locals more than a run for our American money. I can only hope they represented us with the class and dignity befitting a group such as our own.

______________________________________


Jour 4: Statistiques
Il n'y a rien comme une exploration TDDoC pub. La plupart des nuits de la TDDoC, nous assistons à une seule barre, bénéficient des projets de bonne bière ou d'ale, et peut-être certains vittles, puis rentrent chez eux. Mais sur une pub crawl, nous nous permettons de multiples barres - qui est, nous allons à plus d'un bar - Je espère que vous avez l'idée - vraiment, ce ne est pas si compliqué que ça.

Et donc sur le croquant frais, venteux soir du 12 Décembre 2014, nous avons exécuté la pub crawl précité par voie ancienne Bordentown. L'équipage se est réuni au Jester est sur le côté est de la ville (ou peut-être que ce était sur un autre côté de la ville). Je ai vraiment presque rien à dire sur Jester de - je suis arrivé à la porte avant lorsque mon appareil cellulaire portable antique bourdonnait et affiché un message de Ska, qui était sur le point texte faisant recon bas de la rue dans les environs de la maison Farnsworth et étais dans besoin de soutien.

Dans une organisation centralisée dans laquelle tout le pouvoir décisionnel est dévolu à l'organe exécutif, il faudrait obtenir les approbations nécessaires de tous les échelons dans lesquels il existe un intérêt direct dans le résultat, mais G-man et Tamp peut aller faire toutes sortes de choses loufoques à se (utiliser votre imagination libérale), donc si ils pensent que je ai besoin de leur permission de simplement marcher dans la rue et de chercher des Ska dans un serveur non-TDDoC sanctionnée de spiritueux. Vraiment, qui pensent-ils qu'ils sont, de toute façon?


Ska est clairement pas du tout préoccupé qu'il ingère un verre de Peroni dans un endroit pas appelé Jesters, Farnsworth House, ou la table de cuisson, les arrêts approuvés de la précitée Bordentown pub crawl. Je partage son manque d'intérêt. En fait, je pense que nous tirons plus d'un peu de joie en défiant les maîtres tyranniques de TDDoC sort. Mais notre joie est de courte durée car un texte de Tamp indiquant que la participation à la Farnsworth House (FH) est obligatoire - comme dans, aller là-bas tout de suite. Donc, nous obligeons et trébuchons docilement dans la chaleur de la FH et de la tête sur la région de bar, où l'on voit l'art, Julie, et Warren, et Scugi, Tamp, Reese, Katherine, Rose, Lisa, E-man, et Kaden. Nous sommes bientôt rejoints par d'autres retardataires - Laura, Rebecca, Erin et d'autres qui viennent de terminer la récolte des arbres X-mas de Longwood Gardens, suivie par Rita, puis l'incomparable, belle et talentueuse Mertz.

Voyant Mertz se promener dans la région de la barre de FH, pas de soins dans le monde, près de la glisse sur l'air, comme si propulsé par les forces pas de ce monde - oui, je ne ai pas vu non plus. Je ne sais pas si quelqu'un a jamais.

Bar conversation. L'art de la conversation bar, où vous prétendez que tout ce que quelqu'un vous dit est incroyablement intelligent ou fascinante brillante est, ainsi, un art perdu. Ou peut-être ce est une pratique qui a toujours été imaginé pour être impressionante grande dans le passé, mais en y regardant de plus près, jamais vraiment tout ce qui était grande. Un peu comme l'entrée de Don Sutton au Temple de la renommée du baseball, ou le point de vue d'un patriote aujourd'hui d'Amérique. Je suppose que ce est gratifiant de critiquer l'état actuel des choses et harken revenir à des notions romantiques du passé - il ya toute une industrie qui lui est consacré - ça se appelle Faux Nouvelles.

Où étais-je? A droite, nous sommes à FH, bénéficiant d'une sélection éclectique de bières et de bières et de manquer de choses à dire, lorsque G-homme se rend compte que son lit a été laissé sans surveillance et sans surveillance toute la soirée et brouille la porte. Il quitte si vite qu'il en oublie presque de prendre Su avec lui. Pauvre Su - elle devra dire aux enfants qu'ils ont été les premiers à abandonner notre groupe parce que papa était inquiet que les coussins du canapé étaient sur le point de perdre ces contours spéciaux que G-man a passé des années à l'artisanat - les contours que presque exactement conforme à son derriere (soit un $$, pour ceux d'entre vous qui ne parlent pas français).

Une équipe avance est assemblé en éclaireur sur la barre finale sur cette pub crawl particulier. Ska, mais pas mortellement blessés des nuances piquantes de précédents messages texte des tyrans qui dirigent cette chose, décide de sortir avec les principales forces, de sorte Lisa, Rose, et je la tête parce que nous sommes las d'être debout et en regardant autour FH . Nous rencontrons une résistance rares et en quelques minutes arrivons à la table de cuisson pour le trouver occupé par les villageois très chaleureux et installé un camp à l'une des sections relativement inoccupées de la barre. Nous voyons que Rebecca a établi une présence de troupes de l'autre côté de la barre - si les hostilités éclatent, nous sommes dans une position idéale pour exécuter un mouvement manuel de pince - si seulement nous savions ce que cela signifiait. Bientôt, les renforts arrivent et ainsi de faire quelques nouvelles recrues - Shea, John, et les gousses. Non pas que Pods est une recrue. Il a vu plus d'action que nous tous combinée - tant d'action, qu'il a le regard chose mille verges passe. Si vous ne savez pas de quoi je parle, il suffit de Google. Se il vous plaît laissez-moi savoir aussi, si ce ne est pas trop de problèmes.

Frayer avec les HOBers est un grand passe-temps américain. Elle se classe là-haut avec un téléphone à cadran, les textos et les fléchettes de pelouse tueur. HOBers sont le genre de gens simples et chaleureux vous vous attendez à trouver dans la Terre du Milieu. Avec leurs pieds à fourrure, l'amour de bières fortes, et la passion pour l'aventure, ils sont l'épine dorsale de ce pays. Le problème est que je ne peux pas comprendre une seule chose qu'ils disent. Mais ils ne aiment un bon jeu de fléchettes sur un vendredi soir, et notre argent de papier américaine est l'un de leurs objectifs les plus chers. Je ne suis pas sûr que je complètement saisi les règles de ce concours, mais il ressemblait à celui qui a jeté leur dard le plus éloigné de portrait de George Washington a été le gagnant. Je ne ai pas rester suffisamment longtemps pour savoir qui a gagné, mais Shea et les gousses regardé comme ils donnaient les habitants plus une course pour notre argent américain. Je ne peux qu'espérer qu'ils nous représentent avec la classe et la dignité qui sied à un groupe comme le nôtre.

Day 3 Stats -- Burgers

Day Four, southbound:

Bordentown!
Jester's - Farnsworth - HOB mini-crawl

www.jesterscafe.net

www.farnsworthhouse.com

www.hobtavern.com

Start at Jester's, around 6 PM or so. Then wait for the secret word to move.




Day Three Stats:

It was a Thursday and at Rossi's and it must be Family Night. Yes, bring your family out for a big-ass burger.

Arriving at 6pm gets me what seems the last parking spot. The place was packed. We manage to somehow lock up a corner of the bar but are only able to claim a few seats. But it's "no seat, no eat" and only the seated got to eat. Only when they were done are the others able to get in on these famous burgers by rotating through at the bar in Henry Ford assembly line style.


This Thursday is busy night for people. Lots of folks just passing through the TDDoC on their way to somewhere else (as if there were somewhere else - really?). Sophia had to sing. Sandor had to go to dinner with his wife (at Tesara - how come we don't go there?). Goettle stopped by on his way back from a meeting on Duopoly at an undisclosed location (The Pentagon) only to leave shortly after.

Family night, so the Chrobas, Emans, Gmans, Gman-in-laws, and Wood-Cruz clan were out. In addition to bar corner assembly line, we had the family table in the restaurant where the Emans, Gmans and Gman-in-laws dined.

The Wood-Cruzes, dynamic bunch that they are, worked the TDDoC in shifts. Shea was the first to arrive, followed by Rose and Jaxson. They sat for bit at the “Family Table” but moved on to the bar room because, dynamic. This is Jaxson's first point and before his first birthday (has this been done before?). Shea passed the baton to Kim around 9:30.

I notice that the Eman has ordered a burger which appears overflowing with pork roll, fried egg, broccoli rabe, and onions, and has no idea to eat this. Strategy #1 which entails simply picking it up and taking a bite does NOT work. Toppings and burger chunks fall out everywhere. An irate Gman yells out “you’re eating it all wrong, you need to cut that with a knife!!”. So Strategy #2….but Eman wonders who the hell eats a hamburger with a knife? His attempt to cut the burger with a butter knife is met with the same success as trying to the hard plastic container that has your new cell phone charger from Best Buy. The burger quickly becomes a charred ruins of its former self and is now a burger salad. Eman mumble expletives about "Gman and his elitist eating advice".

Ed Rogers had a special "in" here at Rossi's and ordered angel hair in garlic and oil. Ska notices this and jokingly announces "Hey, where did you get spaghetti?" Ed starts to explain garlic and oil to Ska. I have known Ska for a long time and he has had garlic and oil (aglio y olio) three out of four meals for the past 20 years. The fourth meal is usually pizza. The look on his face was priceless.

As the night went on, we grabbed bar stools as they became available and before the end of the night, we owned a quarter of the bar space.

Rumor has it Ska was last to leave. He was showing them how to make garlic and oil.

Day 2 Stats -- The Mosso Effect

Welcome to Day Three:

Rossi's Bar and Grill

2110 Whitehorse Mercerville Road
Hamilton, NJ 08619

609/ 890-2004

rossibarandgrill.com

This hip new gastroenteritis pub is a favored Thursday night hangout of recovering metrosexuals, people with excessive ear hair, Pokemon club officers, and nipple aficionados. It features Yell at the Customer night, instrumental karaoke, and wet t-shirt @ss-offs.






Day 2 Stats -- The Mosso Effect Lingers

When Michelle arrives she announces that she has been instructed to document the event for Russ since he is in Colorado, so she immediately begins snapping pics and sending texts. Apparently Russ hinted at a tale from years past that took place at LEB. So Michelle urges Eman to tell the story of Mike the Homicidal Maniac (MtHM). Eman says, "I can’t do it. It’s just too much for me to relive... just thinking about it now and I can feel those scaly reptilian hands -- I just can’t do it!" After an hour of further prodding, Eman relents and agrees to share the story but only after a couple of shots of Jack Daniels…

"The year was 2011, it was Day 5 of the TDDoC, the bar was LEB, the TDDoCer’s were enjoying a festive start to the celebration, all was good with the world. Eman, ever the TDDoC ambassador, introduces himself to another bar patron and greets him with a handshake, but little did he know that handshake would forever change the way he thought about human and reptilian relations. As Eman withdrew his hand from the shake, he thought these scaly hands, which were as gritty as extra coarse sandpaper, could only come from an illicit relationship between a human and a reptile. This patron was MtHM, I am getting to the homicidal part.
"I apologize up front because in order to complete this story, I must get graphic. You can imagine that those scaly reptilian hands might come in handy if you need to climb a wall or sand your floors. HOWEVER if you are home alone, all alone… and you can’t get a date to stay because as soon as you touch her she runs out never to return, those scaly hands can be, well an impediment… OK let’s keep it real.. self-gratification ain’t happening with those hands… it just ain’t. And typically that leaves half-men half-reptiles (the politically correct refer to them as humantilians) in a backed-up state and just a little pissed off.

"There is something I should point out here: because of the mixing of warm blooded humans and cold blooded reptiles these humantilians have a low alcohol tolerance. Now, couple that with backed-up and pissed-off, the potential for head explosion is very high. He makes the announcement that no TDDoCer ever wants to hear, “I think I want to kill people." That always puts a damper on the party (you don’t want those scaly hands around your neck -- the brush burns may never heal). So Eman excused himself from MtHM and introduced him to Russ. Russ being experienced with head explosions, met insane with insaner and said, “After you do it we should cut them up and eat them, I have not had human barbeque in days”. After that we never heard from MtHM again."

Michelle’s bidding for Mosso did not stop there. She convinced me that Russ would appreciate a picture of me in some white fluffy
feathery thing, I don’t even know what it was. Well after a couple drinks I will do damn near anything, so obliged and pictures were taken. Russ I sincerely hope that you are not doing.. well you know … with that pic… while drunken Gman is happy to take the pic (click to see), sober Gman does not want to think about what is happening with the pic.

No designated drinker for Rose tonight, she makes an appearance AND suggests an all-white TDDoC night… That would kick ass… imagine everyone showing up for the Princeton Pub Crawl in all white… however, I think those events are typically held in the late summer because less clothing is required… the designee, Shea attended also, she pushed a date off until a later hour so that she could hang with the crew for a bit.

As Lynn and Jim plan their impending nuptials, Sandor offers sage advice: the key to his marriage longevity is his scotch and his wife’s bourbon.

BPW saw the East Coast from the seat of his bike, he rode down to Florida, that is a pretty cool trip.

Ska and I talked about Chris Columbus and his “discovery”, is he a hero, villain or an idiot who fell ass backward into history.

Rebecca, Erin and crew maybe OUT for Friday possible Bordentown Pub Crawl but are feverishly trying to mesh to events.

Mertz sends pics from Baltimore(?) toasting to NJ TDDoCer’s and throwing one or two back.

At one point, three guys walk in and look confused and disoriented as they see the bar packed with customers (at that point, everyone in the bar was from TDDoC). The initial assumption was that they were just really ticked that this crowd was here taking THEIR bar stools. Michelle talked to them for a while and it became clear that they actually had showed up to rob the place. Instead, they simply decided to have a couple of beers and rob it some other night.

Update on the men's room paper towel situation: The paper towel holder has been replaced with a electric air dryer. No more issues with wet hands! Wait, there may be an issue with the wiring or the power grid. The bathroom lights get noticeably dimmer when the dryer is on, and then brighten again after it shuts off. Maybe that's why the jukebox wasn't playing. In another bold move, the wheeled yellow bucket containing a mop and dark gray "water" that it always stored in the men's bathroom had apparently gone through its decennial emptying and now contains only mildly gray water. The mop is also new.

There was also some mention of a "strip pool" game having been played. Information on who, when, and the results is being stored by Edward Snowden.

At the end of the night, when Ska and I considered another round, Tamp, always the voice of reason, convinced us that it is only Day 2… a good pace is a good thing

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Day 1 Stats -- Paul Sr.

On the Second Day:

Larry's Euro Bar
(more affectionately, The LEB)

965 New York Avenue
Trenton, NJ 08638

609-695-9590

https://www.facebook.com/LarrysEuroBar

Larry's Corner Tavern, aka Larry's Euro Bar, aka LEB. This up and coming Warsaw hotspot is popular amongst UV brand vodka fans, recovering AquaNet addicts, and unemployed dog groomers. It has the latest in cigarette machine technology, over 60 flavors of UV brand vodka, an alarming lack of paper towels in the men's room, and ample space for footraces in its off-street parking.

_______________________________


Day 1 Stats

Ahhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent nose blows....oh wait, that's the wrong email. It was Day 1, and while it was dark, the air wasn't that freezing, I don't remember any nose blows, and I don't even think I heard Christmas music. I did smell urine though, and it was in the men's room of the Killarney's Publick House. I'm not sure what that term "Publick" is implying, but it might just mean that the public is welcome to come in and pee all over the men's room floor.

It was Day 1 and Scugi was first on the scene, followed by Eman. Well technically, "Paul Sr", the resident log-on-a-bar stool was first...and by first I may mean that he's been there for several days and just hasn't gotten up. He owns bar stool #1 at the end of the bar right by the kitchen, and the only time I've ever been to Killarney's and seen that bar stool not containing him, it was because he was staggering across the room towards the exit. I wonder what time you have to get there to get that stool before him, and what happens when he shows up and finds you sitting there? Sounds like something to try for next time, and I nominate Goettle. "Dude, I just saw this bar stool and it looked comfortable" should work just fine I think.

Rebecca rolls in and shares tales of future Rhodes Scholar winners from her present 8th-grade math class who have apparently proved that 1 + 1 = 0. Billionaire Pat Worth appears and immediately offers Paul Sr an unlimited amount of cash for his bar stool, but is rebuffed. Yo uses his charms on Paul Sr in an attempt to get the barstool deal closed, but fails and is only able to sell him an SAP enterprise license for his extended family as a Christmas present. Celeste arrives in a fashionable sweater in direct violation of the ugly sweater night requirement of the TDDoC guidelines. Colleen turns up with her friend Kim and they immediately slam their fists on the table and announce that they'll be doing all 12 days!

Trent, Julian, and Andrew engage in a dessert-off, with some sort of chocolate brownie souffle lump the contestant of choice. Trent downs it first, as Julian is slowed by constantly having to ward off with fisticuffs onlookers who think it looks tasty and may be hovering for a potential taste.

Shea enters and reports that her mother delegated the TDDoC meeting invite to her and required her to come. There was some story from Rose about being sick or something to that extent, but the obvious interpretation was "I don't want to go hang out with those miserable people. I have a good idea....you go do it for me."

Bobo and Nick roll in and Nick and Trent are immediately engaged in a "tall-off", which given the limitations of measurement equipment (eyeballing, a malfunctioning smartphone level app) was declared a tie. Bobo and Nick quickly transition into a soup-eating contest, with multiple bowls of various soups delivered to their table. The soup off is immediately followed by an order of wings and several sandwiches. Towards the end, Bobo is heard uttering the rarest of Bobo quotes "I can't finish this...I'm too full". One thing not to be forgotten; the Publick is serving their wings with a bowl of hot water for fingertip dipping, to keep the wing juice off your fingers "just like they do it in Ireland". As it turns out, once the wing juice starts populating the hot water, it makes a fine additional soup. Did Bobo finish that soup too? Ask him tonight to find out.

A moment of silence is observed for the defunct PA chapter and past NJ TDDoCers who have been transplanted to Denver. Well actually there was no moment of silence but there was a re-telling of the Russ "Ready for another russssshty nail?" story.

Various discussions ensue about potential locations for Day 2. Several people nominate the LEB as an excellent choice, touting its excellent food, cool local Poles, and the potential to hang with mulleted pool players. Gman rushes from table to table, trying to shush the LEB talk and steer people towards his choice, CPL's deck. He claims that the LEB has too small of a dance floor, its cigarette machine is outdated, and has too many homicidal maniacs, while CPL's deck offers lots of fresh air, romantic mood lighting, cheap MGD64 drink specials, and only one homicidal maniac. Thankfully, cooler heads prevail and ignore Gman's pleas.

Monday, December 8, 2014

2014 TDDoC Begins!

READY TO GO, KILLARNEY’S IS DAY 1

AS ALWAYS, IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST AND/OR WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM DISTRIBUTION (OR WANT TO PROVIDE A DIFFERENT EMAIL ADDRESS), LET THE CHIMP KNOW.

Ahhhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent noseblows, and inescapable Christmas music in every nook and cranny of the face of the earth....it must mean....it's time for....

THE 18th ANNUAL (EXCEPT 1998) FESTIVAL OF.....THE TWELVE DRINKING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TDDoC)!!! This year's theme is the IPhone6. Use one! Get one! Smash one! It’s up to you. Or, if you prefer, smash another phone. Or smash something else altogether. NOTE: For those of you who are not violent, please skip to the next paragraph.


START DATE: TUESDAY, DEC 9

LOCATION: Killarney’s Publick House, Hamilton, NJ
This alleged Irish bar built solely from gingerbread, potatoes, and cabbage is popular amongst retiredhobos, concealed weapon carriers, and recovering Fox News addicts, and also sports the oldest living human bar log. Watch him drink until he falls off the bar stool! Wager on whether or he’ll be able to stagger out of the bar before hitting the ground! You’ll be in luck on Tuesday as it is yodeling night, where the locals are often spotted blaring out yodel versions of the latest Taylor Swift songs. Be sure to order the flaming pomegranatemeth pipe martini. It’s delicious. It’s also Ugly Christmas Sweater night, so please wear your best! Cead Mile Failte!

Legendary traditional (in other words, really lame) Day 1 spot Charlie Brown's is yet still closed due to bankruptcy due to all of the raisin bread stolen from the salad bar over the years by Crack Pipe Larry. Editor’s note: You may have seen earlier this year on 60 Minutes that it turns out that cb’s actually shut down simply because it $ucked, and the total loss in profits due to CPL’s raisin bread kleptomania was well under $1MM USD.

Rejoice that the Day 1 location has been chosen and advertised this early. This will be the last time during this event that you will be this happy.

Now for the details. For those that are new to the TDDoC, I've included the following Guidelines. For those that are familiar with the TDDoC format, you may still want to re-acquaint yourself. It's not as easy as riding a bike. It's almost as easy as drinking, but not quite.

Guidelines

1. For the purpose of the Festival, working days in which you could drink AFTER WORK are considered "Drinking Days". (I know that the term "Drinking Days" causes some controversy every year as it is easily and often argued that every day is a "Drinking Day"). Traditionally the Festival begins on the date that allows 12 "Drinking Days" to occur prior to Christmas Day - This year it's the 9th of December. Unlike other chapters throughout the country (especially those in the greater San Jose area, Colorado, and west of the Delaware River in general), there will be no special exceptions due to plant closings, postal holidays, moon/earth alignments or other such nonsense. The twelfth day of the event will as always occur on Dec. 24. Why? Because that helps to make this whole thing as inconvenient as possible.

2. Attendance is scored by showing up and drinking with your friends, colleagues, soon-to-be-friends, other peoples' neighbors, and assorted annoying bores. Any action to discourage someone from showing up simply because they have bad breath, poor eating manners, or are a pompous a$$ is severely frowned upon. This is good fodder for the stats (see guideline # 7). However, unwillingness to imbibe can of course be held as a strike against any otherwise worthy candidate. Agreeing to participate in an "a$$-off" is generally considered as a reasonable substitute for drinking, unless you are a man.

Tradition has it that there is a one-drink minimum to be awarded a Point. Anyone on travel during The 12 Days & gathering in the spirit of The 12 Days will, of course, be considered participants if they 1) are actually drinking and 2) submit Stats. Please note that the official TDDOC definition of "considered" is "not considered". Phoning in alone does not enable point awardance but is highly encouraged to aid the home team in stats preparation. Drinking by yourself does not count, and drinking with some casual loser work friend if that loser is not involved in the larger effort does not count either. If you want a point for drinking with that casual loser work friend, you will need to drag them out to multiple mainstream TDDOC events in order for your miserable time with them to count. Whoever has the highest Tally of Points on Day Twelve will be awarded a coveted TDDoC trophy, and, as always, be obligated to abuse those that fell short in their quest to be the champion for their lameness. Never mind that said trophy has NEVER been awarded. It sounds good on paper. Note that in lieu of said trophy, the ceremonial "knocking of the sconce" off the wall at the Day 12 location may be substituted.

Far and away the most significant value of the point system is to incur repeated heated discussions, fisticuffs, and "airing of the grievances". Please keep this in mind and argue about points that you "should have had" as often as possible. Penalty points: If a TDDOC member shall drive within 100 yards of the night's location on the way home without stopping, that member shall forfeit all points and be subject to a NUTKX (see section 8).

3. Any adult-beverages consumed outside these events (weekends, from the bottom-drawer at work, at breakfast.. .) is regarded as Practice for The 12 Days and will not be scored. However, as in any hard-core sporting event, practice is highly encouraged.

4. Events are to be held in a different pathetic central NJ (or perhaps other states, as long as they are east of the Delaware river) establishment each of The 12 Days. Suggestions for events at further-away locations are, as always, highly encouraged, and yet, as always, highly unlikely. Any crossings of the Delaware river must be by rowboat while standing to be fully sanctioned by the TDDOC.

5. Invitees are by no means limited to those addressed in this initial distribution. This is an open invitation. Any stiff that you can drag out is more than welcome. Participants should also encourage breakout chapters in other sections of the country. Once again, the San Jose CA chapter will also be in full working order (or so the Germans would have us believe). The PA chapter has unfortunately been purchased by a venture capital firm and sold off for the value of its parts. Luckily, due to some elite legal contracting workand support from the Colorado cannibis association, the PA leadership was able to reconstitute in the foothills of the Rockies. Unfortunately, due to complications from Sarbanes-Oxley, the OJ Simpson legal trial, and public campaign for Congo the dog, the Dulles VA chapter, despite having received a $20 billion subsidy from the US government, still cannot square up on previous bar bills and is defunct. There are allegedly Facebook pages for other chapters throughout the country, but be forewarned! These are really embedded viruses that when clicked upon will cause you to be pummeled with email nonstop from a collection of raving lunatics. Wait, that may be this email distribution list. Either way, do NOT click on these sites.

5a. Remember that plant closings are not the end of TDDOC chapters. Why, without plant closings, we wouldn’t even have the TDDOC. Please treat plant closings as a gift from overpaid executives to their hard-working employees as a way to celebrate with others instead of having to go to work every day with a hangover.

6. Family events, work parties, watching Who’s the Boss marathons, having to "wash your hair" that night, removal of bodily organs (aka "the kidney card"), spending time with loved ones, being forced to move to Virginia, etc. are to be considered POOR excuses for missing TDDoC events. These may be important during other parts of the year but during the TDDoC festivities, please try to focus on what is really important, i.e. "Where are we drinking tonight?".

7. Which brings us to the daily Stats.
a) Stats are to be published the following day, with enough time to prepare for that day's event (i.e. before/during lunch), by an elected or forced stat-writer. This responsibility traditionally rotates between participants. Amendments and/or additions to the original published Stats are not only welcome but, in fact, encouraged (Different points of view can be awfully amusing). HOWEVER, rebuttals should stick to the general topic of TDDoC and the stats. Using the distribution list for sharing of personal jokes, "cool" youtube videos, and/or naked pictures of one's own butt are highly discouraged and the author will be placed on distribution for every internet junk e-mail list possible (unless it’s a particularly nice butt).
b) The Stats have generally been a free-form record - Including, but not limited to, the night's activities (should at least cover the basics, where when who etc), discussion topics (politics, sports, fashion, WHATEVER), liquids consumed (cooking/dipping oils and food condiment consumption are especially welcome here) and any patriotic songs sung. Generally, any photographic records of karaoke versions of "Darling Nikki" are highly discouraged.
c) Stats include an announcement/proposal as to where the next night's gathering is to be.
d) Stats include the running Point Tally.(stat writer's personal choice on whether points from the legendary Glenn Burtnick concert at Altamont in '69 should count or not)
e) Stats are an ideal forum to introduce Suggested Topics for that night's discussion. Throw out a topic or two you (the scribe) would like to see tabled during the night's activities. This of course may (and likely will) be completely ignored. Of course, if the word "scribe" is used at any point, you may risk being beat senseless with an empty beer bottle or an "Eman on a stick".
f) Stats of course need not be true!! Embellishment and downright manufacture of the details is highly encouraged, as this is likely to be far more interesting than what actually happened.
g) Note: Use of the word "scribe" itself is highly discouraged in East Coast chapters. Please see (e) again.
H) One more thing: For the love of g0d, please do something stupid, loud, obnoxious or disgusting to help out your local stat writer with material.

8. WHYYY?? call: It is standard for the first person who shows at that night's event to vent their frustration from having to sit at the bar by themselves like a huge loser by calling another participant on their cell phone and yelling "WHY????" into the phone, which is of course short for "WHY am I drinking alone?". Per custom, it is encouraged to then hang up the phone prior to allowing the recipient of the phone call to respond in any manner. No special bonuses are awarded for this other than the personal satisfaction of taking out your societal anger on an unsuspecting other party. Anyone caught making a bogus "WHYYY??" call (NOT the first one at the bar, NOT alone at the bar, or NOT even at the bar) may be subjected to a "NUTKX", which is a Windows software module which will provide the user with a swift kick to the privates upon next logon to work computer as punishment for violation of important social norms. NUTKX may also be provided manually by the recipient of the bogus WHYYY?? call or by the bartender. WHYYY???? text messages, facebook/twitter updates, and/or instant messages are similarly not acceptable and will quickly be faced with a stern poke in the chest from the tallest person in attendance.

9. Contests, competitions, shenanigans: Contests such as no-repeat beer quest (not repeating a brand/style of beer for the entire 12 days), no-repeat tequila shots, drinking your drink out of another's shoe, duels at 20 paces, and of course footraces are highly encouraged. No special points will be awarded for most "shushings" (i.e. being told by an old lady that you're too loud and need to quiet down).

10. Alleged celebrity sightings: Always encouraged, always highly unlikely. It is believed that there has been only a single alleged celebrity sighting in the history of the TDDoC: the alleged sighting of Lilleth from Cheers in the Main Street Bistro circa 1999. Please try for more, and if encountered do your best to engage them in either (1) drinking heavily or (2) mean-spirited fisticuffs.

11. Hard liquor of the day: The first person at the bar (or first person that cares to do so) is encouraged to name a hard liquor of the day, and all are encouraged to imbibe in said liquor at some point during the evening, be it in a mixed drink, shot, straight up, or pouring it over one's own head. Shouts of "ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE HARD LIQUOR?" (copyright The TEH Foundation) should of course accompany said activity.

12. Pre-season: According to Tamps, there is no pre-season and no points for any efforts shall be awarded….according to Tamps. I'm just sayin'.

13. “LAME” identifications: Please ensure that if you experience anything particularly lame during this event, notify all participants early and often. In addition, please capture all “lame” observations in printed form, and send via registered mail to the TDDOC elders, whoever that is.

14. Privacy Notice: Any hopes of privacy are limited at best, and everyone is responsible for themselves (copyright the DT Foundation).

So, without further ado, clear out your calendar and load up your office desk drawer with hangover remedies!!

Friday, January 3, 2014

TDDoC 2013: Day 12 Stats by Gman

Day Twelve Stats and Season Wrap-up

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly 
As I reflect on the this year’s TDDoC I can’t help but think of this old Clint Eastwood western (imagine that whistling sound and tumbleweeds rolling through a near empty town): The Good - On Day One seeing folks I have not seen in about 365 days - The Bordentown Pub Crawl - On Day Four I got to see the B&N crew - On Day Twelve good pizza, Sweet Baby Jesus - The Bartenders: Danielle and Gina (BF), and Courtney (Killarney’s) The Bad - The noises that my stomach makes every night because the acid in my stomach is constantly fighting the wings and beer and losing, fortunately for me, or any uni-kidneyed TDDoCer, the liver is processing the wings and beer. But it is sick of the abuse and every December the liver packs up and heads to Florida for the month. - Those who did not make it out this year. - Bartenders at The Tap Room The Ugly – Pods’ foiled attempt at buying Russ a beer with Russ’ money that turned into embezzlement (gotta like the Princeton Pub Crawl) - Trying to decide where to go that last Monday (Day Eleven) and futilely trying to get Eman to jump on the grenade, only to end up at Houlihan’s (which actually was not that bad)


Day Twelve has arrived. One might think that after the previous eleven days of drinking, storytelling, sleepless nights, headaches in morning, and tummy trouble in the afternoon, and then just to start it all over again in the evening, that these broken souls and busted relationships of the TDDoC would somehow slow this crew down… however, from the moment that we step into Wildflower’s, it was on and poppin’.

Gman and family (the aforementioned “spare parts”) are first to arrive and Gman orders a coke in an attempt to put out last night’s fire that is still smoldering from within. When Eman arrives and notices Gman sipping on soft drinks, he states “What are you doing? You do realize there are no points for that soda. Continue if you must but there will be no points. If you need to put that fire out, put it out with some Sierra Nevada!”. To which Gman sheepishly replies, “I just waiting for everyone, let’s start with the pitchers now.” Drinking begins, and the fire will soon turn into a three-alarm uncontrollable raging inferno.

Pizza arrives… More people arrive… more pitchers arrive… more pizza arrives

However, before the crowd grows too large, Su and Lisa are doing some sort of calculation using logarithms and long division to ensure that the tab gets settled properly. In years past this has been an issue, sticking the last unhappy souls with a fat bill. I am not sure what went into those calculations, but the bill was resolved without anyone having to take out a second mortgage on their home.

Bobo and Nick arrive. Bobo appears to be alternating sons - Ben last year and Nick this year. Bobo orders the tradish sausage, onion and garlic. Mosso orders an Astro Thermal Group favorite: sliced tomatoes and garlic (they used chopped tomatoes but still pretty good).

Reese sends a 12:30 text saying “In car, on way, there will be TROUBLE if I arrive and everyone is gone".

The return of Jamie Scugi… score… once the future of the franchise but she has since moved away and only home to see the parents for the holiday.

Corry and Michelle Paige make it to their first Day 12 luncheon.

After the $500 plus tab was settled there was nostalgic attempt to shift the party to Shop Rite Liquors on the other side of the circle. TDDoC veterans and historians know that the Pennington Circle Shop Rite Liquors was one of the TDDoC inaugural year locales (way) back in 1997. The TTDoC has not returned to Shop Rite since then, not because it sucks, simply because we have not. Well we still have not because those attempts came up empty as the duties of Xmas were too heavy. Or perhaps, the TDDoCer’s are actually getting tired of drinking -- nah, that can’t be it.

Awards 


2013 Purple Moose Award (PMA) - Eman, Gman, Goettle, Reese, Ska, Tamp, and Yo. This coveted award goes out the TDDoCer’s that made it out to all 12 days. The winners get their names etched in super-secret invisible ink on the sacred chalice only decipherable by Tajny Komitet.

2013 Rookie of the Year (RotY) - Rita. This special award goes to a drinker who is relatively new to the TDDoC and who puts out a decent effort at attendance. Rita attended 6 days, so it seems fitting.

Comeback Drinker of the Year Award (CDotYA) - Benny. This award goes to a drinker that has a spike in attendance after a layoff period. After very weak attendance from 2010 – 2012 (1, 1, and 3), he stepped up his 2013 effort to 6 days.

Most Valuable Drinker (MVD) Award - Reese and Yo. This award goes to a drinker who shows consistent drinking effort, this was Yo’s first PMA and a couple times this year Reese was the first to show up to make the WHY??? call. It is also believed that Reese has the longest active streak attending every night beginning in 2010; the archivists are verifying this fact.

Big Lou Lameness Award (BLLA) - Pods. This dubious and not-so-coveted title goes to the drinker who claims the TDDoC and many of its participants are lame because the TDDoC does not provide sufficient entertainment to his/her life and while never asking “What value have I brought to the TDDoC?”

Most Gleeful Moment (MGM) - BB returns to the Ivy Tavern. BB's triumphant return to Ivy Tavern is now part of TDDoC lore. The story goes that he walked in and exclaimed “like MacArthur in the Philippines, I have returned and like Julius Caesar in Rome Veni, Vidi, Vici.”

Most Pathetic Display of Drinkmanship (MPDoD) - Gman and Su at the Princeton Pub Crawl. (Day Ten) At this event Gman and Su were in and out so fast that the slow bartenders at the Tap Room barely got an opportunity to completely ignore them. (Rumor has it that this award will be called the CPL award in the future, for obvious reasons.)

Most Coat/Scarf Wearing (MC/SW) - Ska. No matter the occasion, weather conditions, length of stay, or the indoor temperature, you could always look over at Ska wearing his coat and scarf. Well done, sir.

Moving on to 2014: WND participation The Wednesday Night Syndicate has decided that there are too many bars that we have not attended in the Greater Trenton Area resulting in a decision to try to attend them on the usual Wednesdays. An NCAA basketball bracket-like list of bars has been created, and the tournament is on. The Chimp will be gauging interest so you can let it be known if you want to be informed of the location of WND (an e-mail reply here or a note to Tajny Komitet will also suffice). WND could be at a bar near you.

TDDoC 2013: Day 11 Stats by Eman

For starters, I’d just like to ask if anyone knows why I wake up every morning with a stack of $1 bills next to my wallet. Do I have some secret adult dancing gig that I go to every night after the TDDoC, and I just don’t remember? Have I been knocking off the lady at the Salvation Army stand every night on the way home? Please help solve this mystery.

Houli’s? Who picked this place anyway? What an awful idea…..near the mall, with horrible traffic on route 1, really hard to find a parking spot. This is going to be miserable. Well, these at least were the thoughts in my head as I drove towards Houli’s. I found I was somewhat relishing the idea of having to suffer through this misery. As you have likely found out at family gatherings, old men seem to really like having something to complain about like that pain in your back, the price of a loaf of bread, or “kids these days”. As I drive up Route 1 finding very little traffic, and then pull into one of many parking spots near the front door of Houli’s, I find myself deeply disappointed that I encounter none of the envisioned trouble. What the heck? This is a huge bummer. My dreams of complaining about all of the logistical hassle have been shattered. This shouldn’t be easy….we should have to work for this!! Now all I have left to complain about is that there was no hassle.

I enter Houli’s, and am quickly reminded that there is something to complain about! The bartenders at Houli’s all wear shirts with a different action word on the back. In particular, tonight’s subject has the word “quench” on his back. Well, given the highly ornate font, I think that’s what it says. Maybe it is “clench” or “wench”. Regardless, what the #* is that all about? Is this some sort of seven dwarfs nomenclature? If so, shouldn’t his name be “Quenchy”? Quench feigns friendliness upon taking my initial order, but I can tell in his eyes that he knows I’m thinking to myself “Quench…what the #* is that all about?”. As the night continues on, I find that the Quenchman is very efficient at taking your empty glass when you are not looking, but not nearly as efficient at refilling that glass. He must get pay bonuses based upon frequency of glasses entering the dishwasher.

Benny rolls in with a dejected look on his face. He describes the disappointment of how easy it was to get to Houli’s,
when he was looking forward to being miserable. See, I told you! Benny is eagerly looking forward to a long drive down to Atlantic City after tonight’s festivities. He can hardly hide the glee in his eyes, and I think he might have even jumped up and kicked his heels together once. As I write this, Benny is probably enjoying a delicious breakfast feast while hanging with Donald Trump and Celine Dion.

Uji is in the house, making his first night of the year. Yo is there, too, and now it’s apparent that only an act of mother nature can keep him from a purple moose. Ditto for Reese, but then again, Reese is the Cal Ripken of the TDDoC (consecutive game streak, playing through pain and injury), so no surprise there. Pods indicates that Friday night’s Day Ten hangover just wore off about 15 minutes ago.

Russ reports having seen the new movie Saving Mr. Banks or Licking Mr. Pickle or whatever it is called. It’s that one with Tom Hanks, unlike all of those other movies with Tom Hanks. We discuss how Tom Hanks is the token white guy in so many films. When you need an old white guy, it’s Hanks. Seriously, do any other older white male actors even get roles anymore?

Speaking of pickles, Su presents the Emans with a pickle ornament. Apparently there is a tradition that dates from Germany, where one hides a pickle ornament on the Christmas tree, and the one who finds it gets a reward or other good fortune. If you look the tradition up on Urban Dictionary, you might find that the reward you get is not quite to your liking. However, let’s assume for a moment that it’s a desirable award. When I first heard of this tradition, I thought they were referring to an actual pickle, and tried to picture the delightful combination of evergreen and vinegar mixing together as the family gathered around the tree for Christmas carols. Anyway, no. The pickle is an ornament, and Tamps found it very interesting and looked at it closely. Yes, Tamps was touching my pickle. Note, this is not to be confused with hiding a pickle as defined in Urban Dictionary.

And now a word from the next generation of TDDoC:
I would first like to announce I brought out my girlfriend Annie for all those who did not meet her. This means that i have thoroughly invested in the future of the TDDoC, and it may be continued through me and Julian long after ya'll are hospitalized for liver damage. I arrived at the scene and it seemed like a good crowd was at the bar. I won't name any names because I have no clue who was there. Being the hungry teenager that I am, Annie and I quickly scuttled over to the family section with Su and the kids to order some food. Corey was also out and was using his magical ability to order alcoholic drinks. I hear there’s this thing called "21", but I blame the drinking fairies for not bestowing me with this power. Maybe Santa will pull through with this one -- my fingers are crossed.

Conversation quickly turned to how Gman only has one kidney. Interestingly enough, this led me to learn a valuable lesson. This is where I learned the true meaning of having kids. Kids are not there for enjoyment, love, slavery, or for telling their teacher that all their dad does is watch football and attend the Twelve Drinking Days of Christmas. Kids are there for spare parts. Corey is currently first in line to donate Gman one of his kidneys if his fails. Corey does not want to participate, but in the words of the Uni-kidney**, "You have to sleep at some point." Some sort of bathtub kidney removal will then take place, and Corey may never even notice the scar. Julian and Andrew may also want to start running now before Uni-kidney needs any of their bodily organs. I might have to run with them.

After Gman and family leave, we finish up and head over to the other side of the bar where only a few seasoned drinkers remain. Between Goettle, Eman, Ska, Tamps, Pods, and Russ, in their lifetime they have probably consumed an amount of alcohol that would fill the Pacific. But these are the men I look up to, and I respect their unique skills. Someone quickly notices I have not surpassed Goettle in height, even with my tall, poofy hair that could put the '80s to shame. We quickly find each other back to back with the others looking at how clearly Goettle has me beat. Or that’s how it may have seemed. We were actually saying goodbye the same way the ancient Babylonians would ceremoniously do, by touching their butts together to bid a safe farewell. So farewell to my biggest supporter, Mr. Peter Goettle, who pushed me night after night to write stats eventually. Until I see him the next day.

And now back to the old guy:
Once the crowd starts to thin, the remaining party leftovers decide it’s time to take this show on the road. Joe’s Crab Shack is a popular suggestion for where but cooler heads prevail. It’s off to The Blend in Hamilton, a place beloved by Goettle, who in the past has described it lovingly as “$ucking” (said without much conviction). Russ, Tamps, Ska, Goettle, and Eman make the trip. Several of us order the Southern Tier 2Xmas -- a fine choice. The Blend seems to be slightly more to the liking of some (Russ and I secretly love it there), and this may be because unlike last time there is no awful singer belting out “Hotel California” on some sort of keyboard karaoke device. It seems that most patrons are in their 20’s, which is clearly why some hated it last time. Suddenly, in rolls a potential future generation TDDoCer, Russ’s son Ryan. Russ jogs over to greet his son and his friends, who smile but quickly encourage Russ to beat it before the rest of the twenty-somethings see them talking to these dinosaurs. Dang, another dead end on the future TDDoC trail. It’s one and out at The Blend, and before I know it I’m home slapping down a stack of $1 bills next to my wallet for some unknown reason.

Editor's Note: The utility of this has expired but included for completeness:
Day 12 is at Wildflowers. The secret password to get in is “picklehider” said with a Russian accent. This lovely converted Orange Julius is a Christmas eve favorite for elf $ex offenders, human Christmas trees, and people who are missing some of their bodily organs. It features pizza math contests, the breaking of the wall sconce tradition, and “who didn’t pay enough for the pizza?!?!” debate clubs.