Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Day 12 Stats - by the G-man

Get your 2014 stats here!

We returned to Wildflowers -- our typical Day 12 location.  In years past Day 12 has seen a massively hungover Gman sit at the table at Wildflowers, head in hand, swearing off alcohol, and wondering how he came to such a miserable pass.  Not 2014.  This year on Day 11 G-man took it easy and strode into Day 12 with mirth and merriment hoisting beers.

When I walked into the bar area, I see what appears to be Dorian and Donna sitting at the bar having a drink.  My first thought was to go over and greet them, then I thought, “Why would Donna and Dorian leave that weed-smoking, gun-toting, Peyton Manning-loving utopia in Colorado for New Jersey?  What if that is not really Donna and Dorian, and really they are pods (not to be confused with Pods), and they are here to infiltrate the East Coast TDDoC, wreak havoc among the membership, and then obliterate for good the nonexistent secret committee.”  I quickly devise a plan that will expose them if they are pods.  I will ask a couple everyday nonchalant questions and if they respond incorrectly their treachery will be exposed for all to see.

So I casually walk over and greet them.  With the trap now set, I am ready to spring it.   I say, “it’s nice weather out today… what was the pitch count when Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run and who was pitching?”  They respond, “What the hell are you talking about?  G-man, you are nuts!”  Whew.  That is the expected response.  It seems that my overactive imagination has kicked into hyper-drive since I have been away from work for two weeks.   I had delusions of saving the TDDoC and songs being sung and tales being told about my heroic deeds.

Day Twelve features extensive calculations to determine the price of pizza/beer/soda, reunions of family members with loved ones that they have not seen over the last 12 days

As is custom, Day Twelve is a family day -- the Bobo’s, Goettle’s, E-man’s, Scugi’s and G-man’s are all in attendance

The Awards

2014 Purple Moose Award (PMA) – E-man, G-man, Goettle, Lisa E-man, Ska, and Scugi.  This coveted award goes out to the TDDoCers that made it out to all 12 days. The winners get their names etched in super-secret invisible ink on the sacred chalice only decipherable by Tajny Komitet.

2014 Rookie of the Year (RotY) award - Kim. This special award goes to a drinker who is relatively new to the TDDoC and who puts out a decent effort at attendance. Kim is new to the TDDOC and attended a whopping seven days this year.

Long Distance Participation (LDP) award – Oliver Jones.  This award goes to the participant who travels the farthest to receive a point.  Oliver crossed time zones, continents and an ocean to attend.

Intercontinental Long Distance Participation (ICLDP) award – Russ, Donna and Dorian.  These TDDoCers traveled across the great continental divide to get points. (Ok, ok. They did not cross the continental divide but they did cross the mighty Mississippi.)

New Stat Writer (NSW) award – Cory Williams.  This award goes to an individual willing to put his/her literary talents on display on very short notice.  On Day Eight, Cory was called upon to write stats.  He answered the call despite being constantly hounded to hurry up.

Comeback Drinker of the Year (CDotY) award – Billy Bob.  This award goes to someone who is not out that often but puts in a good attempt to show participate.  After recent years of 1 or 2 nights of attendance, BB put in a strong 5 days straight of attendance.

Noticeably Absent – Benny, (the B&N connection) MD, Allie, Jana, Mindy, Jeff, Frank , Cheryl, the Lockheed Martin crew who moved to Denver, Uji, Cory Mertz, E-man on a Stick. These stalwart TDDoCers failed to make it out this year

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Day 11 Stats -- Musings from Trent and Geottle

To all of my TDDoC compadres,

The Chimp, Tajny Komitet, and I are absolutely exhausted.   If you will forgive the delay, here are the Day 11 Stats totally unedited and in their raw form.  I usually don't do this type of thing.   But I just don't give a cr@p at this point.

First, we hear from my good friend, perspective Lafayette alumnus, and just heckava kid, Trent:

I’m going to give a quick disclaimer now that almost all of the following is from the Gman-Eman family table.  That’s where I stayed for most of the night because standing takes, ya know, exercise.

Honestly, as I write these, I’m not even sure if I’m supposed to be writing stats or not.  I was hazily assigned stats by Goettle as I left Dacey’s premises and I don’t know if anybody else was even aware of what was going on.  Besides, I was pretty much brain dead at that point- it’s hard work pretending to be busy on your phone for two and a half hours while your dad drinks countless beers and the waiter takes a fortnight to give you a soda.

So there you have it. My night at Dacey’s. I specifically remember some really good wings (I thought honey barbecue was best, and I think I’m a reputable source since I tried 4 of their 6 flavors).  I also heard that the wings were half priced, but that may have been a rumor since I didn’t bother to confirm it (I don’t pay for my meals, how else do you think my parents could get me to come to bars for 12 straight nights???). Other highlights of the night included Andrew’s strike on the bowling video game, Gman telling Andrew that Santa called him a pig and is gonna burn his A$* on Christmas, and Gman telling Su “This is the last beer. After this we are gone gone GONE gone gone.”  Meanwhile, as he says this, I’m picturing him leaving so fast that a cartoon dust cloud in the shape of a Gman will appear like a looney tunes episode. (The beer being described is the beer “Andrew” is holding above).  I may interject to say that might have been the slowest beer I’ve ever seen drank- or maybe its drunk, or drunken. I don’t know the correct terminology.

Tomorrow is day 12… of my senior year… next year I’ll be in college when TDDoC rolls around! I don’t know if this will severely hurt my point total, but it surely can’t help it.  Oh, the agony.  More on this subject will be revealed as we get closer to this time frame.  (And no, to all those wondering, I don’t have a first choice college as of right now).
See you guys all at Conte’s tomorrow.  Wait, we have to go to Wildflowers AGAIN because they don’t want us back after the Ska incident of 2009?!? (Don’t as him about it- it’s a sensitive topic and he doesn’t remember much of it anyway). How could they not wait for the best customers of the year to barge in and experience the fine dining atmosphere they’ve all been craving? Lunacy.  See you there at day 12!
p.s. sorry if these stats are kind of all over the place, it was written hours after most conventional people go to bed.

 ---        Trent

Thanks to Trent for that excellent piece.   I also received this thing from my good friend, Princeton reject (er, UPenn alumnus), and a wonderful humanitarian, Goettle.

So we’ve completed 11 days of this the 2014 edition of the TDDoC and still no respect. G leone, tamp leone, e leone, sophia loren – all ramrodding the places we’ve visited. They say they’re taking care of me. Taking care of me?! They’re kids! Did you ever think about that? Huh? Did you ever once think about that?! Send goettle off to this, send goettle off to do that! Let goettle take care of buying us our beers, our rum, our grey goose! Send goettle to pick up some young chicks to expand our group! I’m older, and I was stepped over! Sure that’s the way CPL leone wanted it. But it ain’t the way I wanted! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb. I’m smart, and I want respect!!!!

And I’m not the first. There was this kid I grew up with; he was younger than me. Sorta looked up to me, you know. We worked our way out of the street … later on he had an idea to frequent "adult entertainment establishments" to help put young women through college. That kid’s name was BIG LOU. As much as anyone, I loved BIG LOU. This was a great man, a man of doublevisions. And there isn’t even a plaque, or a signpost or a stature of him at any of these "adult entertainment establishments”. Someone spat in his drink and made him violently ill. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard, I wasn’t angry; I knew BIG LOU, I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he stopped coming out, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we’ve chosen! I didn’t ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with our business!

Let me bring you in on a little secret. I have plans for the future. I'm gonna wipe everyone out. Just my enemies. There many things my father taught me right here, right where I'm typing these stats. He taught me to keep my friends close, but my enemies closer. You'll notice tamp leone didn't make it out last night.

Coincidence? Tell me what you really think.

OK.  That was a little frightening.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Day 10 Stats -- The Quadrature Point

Good Lord, it is Day Eleven:
Dacey's Pub
215 West Philadelphia Avenue
Morrisville, PA 19067

215/ 295-4838

Day 10 Stats - from Sophia

Day 10 – er, 9.9 - and I got a quadrature point! (I think…) I felt very tall in Puerto Barrios. The bar came up to my knees or mid-thigh and Ska and Scugi loomed over it even while seated on their shorty bar stools. I had a good dinner for a good price - $3 per enchilada! The G-mans sat at the table next to us but they were kicked out to the family section. I tried Tamp’s awful-sounding drink that he said was actually really good - but it was awful. I tried Rita’s plantains and they were great. Goettle tried the leftover tacos and since he ate them I guess they were good. And the rum was good too. I am declaring Day 9.9 a success!

There was no raging “against the dying of the light” that I could discern and that left me a little skeptical of Uno as the choice for Day 10 but I see now that it met all of the requirements. Well, the one requirement. It is not on Whitehorse-Mercerville Road but it is not too far off of it either.

So, there.

There is plenty of parking extending into the movie lot. Really. I’ve never seen the movie lot full so if you can’t find a spot I don’t know what to say. The Uno bartenders are always friendly and it’s easy to get a drink. Plus, you can get a discount on your movie ticket. What need for rage? We will go quietly into Uno.

Day 10 at Uno was the day of two Christmas miracles (again!), as Ska exclaimed as he entered the official Day 10 location to find Mosso in from Colorado for his first point of the 2014 season and BB there for his third night in a row. I think Mosso gets the cubature point for coming in from Colorado. It will be added to the totals after approval from the full secret committee; they are meeting, I think, for a tea party. The TDDoCers were camped in several locations throughout the place with the Chorbas boothed on the east side of the bar, the Joneses out in the garage, Scugi & Maria Scugi in a separate booth with me, and Yo and the rest on the west side of the bar. All the way from England, in the Jones party, came Oliver Jones. Maybe the cubature point has to go to him. I saw the back of Trent’s head but by the time I left I hadn’t seen any of Reese. I hope she made it there to continue her streak of, well, I don’t know how many days but I think it was a record-breaking streak in the making (Reese – where are you?!). It was a quieter night after the great battle for the bars of Princeton, even with Ska’s loud football commentary. Maybe everyone is a little tired by Day 10 but I heard a great tip for those who may be somewhat sleep deprived, looking tired with baggy eyes and a pallid complexion (not unlike my pallid prose here?) heading into Day 11: just wear a really hot outfit and no one will notice what your face looks like. I don’t know who this is supposed to benefit though.

And once more, a PSA for the stats. Alcohol intolerance occurs when your body doesn't have the proper enzymes to break down the toxins in alcohol. Intolerance reactions can also be caused by other ingredients commonly found in alcoholic beverages. This includes, among others, histamine, a by-product of fermentation or brewing.

It's no wonder that Benedryl is the perfect hangover med for me. I am stocking up for tonight.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Day 9 Stats -- No Casualties

It is now Day 10. Homestretch, time for a ramrod:
Uno Pizzeria and Grill
(you know, about 6:30 PM)
225 Sloan Avenue
Hamilton, NJ 08619
609/ 890-0864

Day 10 officially will be at Uno Pizzeria and Grill, in the up-and-coming Sicilian section of Hamilton Township. Enjoy the scents, scenes, and sounds of the Amalfi coast, Tuscan wines, and the AMC Hamilton 24 multiplex. This 5-star traditional Italian restaurant is a favorite among once-again-Super-Bowl-denied Eagles fans, those in training for the beer-per-mile championship, and those who still haven't made it home from the Princeton Pub Crawl. It features Chicago-style pizza, Hamilton-style pizza, no-style pizza, people yelling aimlessly at TVs, and AMPLE parking. Don't be distracted by that fancy-sounding pizza place across the parking lot; this is the Uno and only place to get good pizza in the area. -- Stefan

Bonus Event (Day 9.9, or "Pre-Ride")
Earn Quadrature Points!
Puerto Barrios Restaurant
(Say 5:00 PM, total guess)
845 Chambers Street
Trenton, NJ 08611
609/ 393-3663

In the scenic Chambersburg section of Trenton, when not overrun with stabbings, car-jackings, insider trading, and jaywalking, this Guatemalan bistro serves cheap tasty food and drink with excellent service (and will be very glad you're there, and so will you). Did someone say, "Tacos!"?

Day 9 Stats -
Three Armies and the Battle for the Bars of Princeton

It was no secret that today was the day.

We knew from Day 1 this day was coming and so did our rivals. We prepared as best we could because we knew they would bring their best. For years on the Princeton Pub Crawl, we encountered the Princeton Ski Club and the Santa Hat Pub Crawl. This year would be no different.

I was awoken from my afternoon nap by a text from Laura. "I think I am the first person here." It was not exactly a “WHY?” call, but I got the point. I roused my self up and prepared for battle. Our army assembled at Mediterra for expensive drinks and a crowded bar in preparation for what laid ahead. I went straight to the battlefield, The Yankee Doodle Tap Room at the Nassau Inn. We have lost some of our bravest on the floor of the ladies room there. Tonight we would see the return of the Earl of Cassler to the TDDoC. We positioned ourselves in different areas of the bar. Our forward operations forces, Scugi, Maria, Art (our Princeton Ski Club double agent), Julie, Patricia, Dave and Celeste, took tables along the wall and set up for food. We then chased a group women and children from the tables by the fireplace and took those. Our senior leadership, E-man, Ska, BB, the G-man and others hunkered down at the corner of the bar and set up a command center to oversee the battlefield. Laura, Erin, Ed, and Katherine controlled the front of the bar. Lynn and Jim also engaged in the battle that was about to begin. We were ready for what ever the Princeton Ski club or Santa Hats could bring. The Princeton Ski Club was held at bay only managing to have sporadic access to the side of the bar. They were forced to very weak position between the bar and the tables. Then came the Santa Hats. They were in full force in numbers that we have never seen before. They pushed in and broke through our lines. They never did breach our forces at the tables, nor the senior command post. It soon became obvious that the overpriced beer would be even harder to get now that all three armies were all here. It was time to retreat to Triumph. That reminds me of the theme song from F Troop The lyrics tell of how Captain Wilton Parmenter got his commission: "A hero who sneezed abruptly seized retreat and reversed it to victory"

So off we were to the head off the Santa Hats and take the high ground at Triumph. Triumph is a micro brewery with stinky bitter beer served in silly glasses. Brian and Andy know the best thing to drink at this micro brewery is the mixed drinks. We secured a table and bar space at the upstairs bar. As additional forces arrived, we also secured the low ground at the downstairs bar by the bottom of the stair case. Billy Bob noted that the Alchemist and the Barrister now have 2 bars and there will be plenty of room for us there. We send out the First Cavalry Division to The A&B, but they find the place is already full and are unable to secure any ground. As more forces arrive, Celeste, David Reese and others secure a table in the old section and order the tradish soft pretzels and hot horseradish sauce.

All nostrils were cleansed.

Over in the new section, the rest of us assembled. The Santa Hats launched a surprise attack from our rear flank. The battle would be decided here. Their forces were weakened, but so were ours plus we did not have a secured position. It is times like this that tests a man, and one of own stepped up and did what he does best, talk to strangers. Billy Bob approached the Santa Hats and with our lead negotiator Goettle brokered a peace deal. We even managed to add some of them to our fold.

In the end, a good time was had by all. There were no casualties to report, and one of us was over heard saying "For 17 years you were doing this and never told me about it! How come? This is so much fun!"

Monday, December 22, 2014

Day 8 Stats -- The Millennial

It is Day 9.
Princeton Pub Crawl
Starting Location (5:30 or 6:00 PM, whatever)
29 Hulfish Street
Princeton, NJ 08542
609/ 252-9680

Wait for the sign and all prisoners will be released into the YANKEE DOODLE TAP ROOM

Yankee Doodle Tap Room
10 Palmer Square East
Princeton, NJ 08542
609/ 688-2600

Other locations as appropriate.

Day 8 Stats - First and Ten Sports Pub:

Wow, golly. I thought I was grown up when I was allowed to start drinking in front of my dad at 19, but here goes my very first set of stats for The Twelve Days. A daunting task, but I'll do what I can...

"Sure," I said, when the Dad-You-Know-As-G-Man asked me if I wanted to be dragged again to a sports bar to drink beer on his dime. I sighed, groaned, and reluctantly followed him to the veritable paradise of sports and beer that awaited me this evening. We arrived at approximately 6:10 PM, and were greeted by a dim blue light and a raucous applause at my arrival. The party could start now.

From the very beginning I knew this night was going to be a wild ride when Sophia offered the table some proclaimed-to-be-mediocre Caesar wings. Caesar wings? Adventurous, but being a buffalo kind of guy, and wanting to save room in my tiny body for beer, I declined and allowed G-Man to suffer in mutual recognition of mediocre wings with Sophia. Bullet dodged. This is a roller coaster.

The E-group watches on in solidarity as the G-Man continues to side-eye the bits of meat left on Sophia's wings. The E-man was wearing what I'll admit was a pretty "dope" by my millennial standards, a cross-hatch patterned sweater. I see you, dude. Nice!

Lisa told us a story about doing team-building at work, that got me thinking some. The team-building activity was that everyone had to tell a story from their childhood that affected them, and this led to people telling sad stories. The thing about an this kind of activity is that you can convey whatever you want to convey to people since most people have all kinds of stories, and we all agreed that anyone could simply lie in these stories.

Soon after, BPW arrives, and I don't remember this person from before because my brain is always only swimming with Sponge Bob jokes, Bop-It™ commands, and social media anxiety. But after re-meeting him and talking about school with G-Easy G-Daddy Pops, he vanishes to the bar like an enigma into the night, leaving me only to make awkward eye contact with him from the table sometimes later.

At some point, my sandwich arrived, and I'd be remiss not to praise the First and Ten's Buffalo Chicken sandwich. A savory chicken with zesty sauces to sate my need to spend my dad's money. I noted that G-Duck was sharing his sandwich with Bill, who is ~*~an islander~*~. Did Trent eat a full sandwich by himself? I look down at the second half of my sandwich and I feel my virility and my social grip slipping through my fingers.

BPW returns and proceeds to try and tell me that he's a billionaire, the illuminati are real, and that dreadlocks are the spawn of Satan, and all of the proof was online. These were all things that I already knew though, so loosing my patience with him I turned back to talk with those at the table. G-Money told me that a girl at another table had been eyeing me. After confirming which girl, I proceeded to go in for the kill only to find that the guy at the table was her boyfriend. We couldn't have left faster after that.

Day 7 Stats -- Editor's Note

Welcome to Day 8 (Lord, I hate you people):
First and Ten Sports Pub
1961 Hamilton Avenue
Trenton, NJ 08619

609/ 587-1028

Click for Facebook page

Day 7 Stats:
A text comes in at 5:15 from Reese. It contains a picture. It is a picture of an empty bar… an empty bar with all bar stools pushed perfectly in to the bar. It is a picture that looks like it was taken at a bar at 4AM after clean up is done. But it is not 4AM… it is 5:15PM. Panic sets in -- the world seems to be collapsing around Reese. The mall is spinning and she stumbles down the hall to Seasons 52.

Or is it Area 51? She orders a drink and 9 appetizers -- then suddenly, all is right.

Meanwhile, back at Big Fish, it is now 5:25 and the bar is completely packed. It’s like people are camping out outside for tickets to an event, and they open the doors and the place goes from empty to full in about one minute. Eman is the first official attendee, but there will be no WHHYYYY??? call. The question will be WHY is that bartender that is not Danielle approaching me with intent to take my order? Danielle quick gives her a stern “get your dirty hands off my customer, whatever his name is” glare and the other bartender meekly retreats.

People start rolling in and ordering off the cheap happy hour menu. E-man goes for the tradish-yet-now-upscaled white pizza, which used to be on more traditional dough but is now on flat bread. Obviously this is the reason for its price increase from $2 to $3. G-man opts to live large and go for the $6 Surf and Turf. $6??? How can this be? How can such a glamorous meal that is fit for a king be so cost effective? Stay tuned.

Polo pops in on her way home to Hackensack. Yes, Hackensack. It is true, she has changed jobs and now runs a tailgate at the Giants Stadium parking lot. OK, that’s not true. But she does now work in the marketing department for the Football Giants, and tasked with explaining to the loyal fan base how a team can $uck so badly. Clearly she is on the verge of quitting this miserable job.

OK, that’s not it either. She still works for ETS, and I am thankful for that, as my previous kindness to her clearly paid off in Trent’s excellent SAT scores. She is very happy to see everyone, but when she finds out that her favorite, Crack Pipe Larry, is not there she storms off vowing never to return.

The food starts to show up. There is E-man’s white pizza, coated in artery-clogging grease just the way he likes it. There’s that fancy piece of chocolate with a strawberry on top that somebody ordered. Wait, who ordered dessert? What is this?? Oh god no, it’s G-man’s surf and turf. The turf is a piece of meat the diameter of a poker chip and the surf is a small shrimp. The G-man screams out, "Hallelujah!" and digs in to this meal which is for a king.

This was a night of family shifts, the new concept created earlier in the season by the Cruz-Wood clan, where a family works together to cover the entire night in shifts. Yvette shows up with her parents and Ryan, and enjoys a nice dinner while leaving the baton on the bar for Goettle. Andy takes the early shift in the Milot family, and then DMile shows up hours later. The E-mans choose to work on depleting much of the world’s remaining oil supply by all driving separately.

A text comes in from Tamps. It says “I’m”.

We had some more TDDoC rookies. Kim brings out her daughter Brittany, who is clearly (and rightfully so) horrified at hanging out with this group of dinosaurs. Colleen brings out her friend Jeff. Lisa E-man bumps into friend Marlene, who then stops in at Big Fish carrying a larger wicker box with some mystery item(s) inside. We are getting closer to 500 all-time unique TDDoC attendees.

Art rolls in sporting his Rutgers sweatshirt, clearly prepared for the Clorox Dirty Dishwater Bowl where Rutgers will be playing this joyous bowl season. Sandor makes an appearance after missing the previous night because he was grounded; something relating to the French stats incident. Regina makes it back for the second day in a row after missing all of the first 17 years. New hot streak! CPL falls further down the list of SES TDDoC attendees. In CPL’s defense, Big Fish is 100 yards out of his way on the way home, and he did need to get home and watch his children and feed the dog. Wait, his children are 17 and over, and he doesn’t have a dog. Maybe, he needs to mow the lawn? There must be some good reason.**

Towards the end of the night, I get to witness one of the rarest occurrences in all of nature. It’s the “what happens late night at Big Fish and only Goettle and Ska are left” ritual. They were awkwardly arranged on opposite sides of the bar, yet you could see the gleam in Goettle’s eyes as he finished off his share of the Cedar Shelf Salmon (whatever that is), then gently slid the remainder (ala Lady and the Tramp) over to Ska with a wink. It was lucky I was hiding a distance away and watching with binoculars, as it is believed by scientists that this behavior is generally not exhibited when they are in the presence of other members of the species. At this point I needed to leave, so I called in the National Geographic team and hope to see the full event on TV early in the new year.

**Editor's note: There isn't.

Day 6 Stats -- Half-Price is Nice

Welcome to Day 7, headed home:
Big Fish Seafood Bistro

3535 U.S. 1, Suite 370
Princeton, NJ 08540

609/ 919-1179

Day 6 Stats:
Tuesday, Day 6? That is the throw-away day, or so goes the conventional wisdom.

So why not go to Salt Creek Grille, a throw-away location? At least this is what some would have us believe. I say eff them -- this place is great.

I arrive at 5:25 PM -- I know, a bit early. But it only took me four minutes to drive here! The place is packed. I don't know anyone, but it is packed. You know why? It only takes four minutes to get here! You would have to be jack-wagon not to be here.

Speaking of jack-wagons, CPL is here! (Everyone's favorite jack-wagon.) He is never anywhere and hasn't been seen at a TDDoC in years. But he is here. Like the Salt Creek Grille, I think CPL often gets bad-mouthed undeservedly. I asked him how long it took him to get here. He said, "Seven minutes, but I got lost." Jack-wagon.

In addition to the usual crowd who always seem to be around these things and the surprise appearance of CPL, we pick up a few new players: Regina from SES, Sonja from Robbinsville, and Sarah from knowing Reese (and Dmile?).

It occurs to some that Ska, Billionaire PW, and Sonja are all Robbinsville residents and that a new TDDoC power center could be forming and would force more visits to Centro. Sonja says only idiots go to Centro. CPL immediately expresses interest in going.

Burger Report: Both Sophia and Trent independently report excellent hamburgers. G-man feeling healthy orders what appears to be "Spinach on a Slab". Draft beer is fairly cheap - turns out 1/2 price on Tuesday. Score! This place is great.

Everyone reports loving this place because, well, obviously.