Day 1 Stats: Let's Get Serious

Day 2 location:  Slocum’s Bowl-O-Drome, 1675 Pennignton Road Ewing, NJ.
 This delightful establishment in the heart of NJ’s cauliflower country has been popular for years with unmatriculated college students, the NJ Weedman, and habitual hand washers.  It features head-shaped bowling balls, armpit shots, and of course, their world-famous “bottom shelve” liquor (check your receipt).  Don’t miss the new overstuffed sandwiches at Sloc’s Grill, crammed chock full of French fries, onion rings, chicken fingers, brownies, and unused pig parts.

Day 1 Stats

 I read the local reviews of the Day 1 location.  “Rho Ristorante Discoteca, Trenton, NJ, www.rhowaterfront.com.  This new cutting-edge nightspot in the harbor section of downtown Trenton has quickly become famous amongst the glam establishment of New York and Philadelphia, and is often frequented by hairless pop culture celebrities, prison escapees, and deceased astronauts.  It features nude bowling, radioactive whiskey shots, and electronic pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.”  Well, that sounds exciting I thought to myself.  What well-written prose….that author has an amazing way with words I thought further.  I eagerly gathered up the family and hightailed it to this astonishingly fine ristorante, in eager anticipation of nude bowling with escaped convicts.  To my astonishment, when I got there, I found none of this.  All I found was a bunch of old people sitting at a bar eating mini-pizzas.  No deceased astronauts, only a few aging current and former aerospace workers.  (Sigh).

 Bobo wins the award for first WHHHYYYY call of the season.  Eman gets one at about 4:45.  WHHHYYY are you drinking alone?  I’ll tell you why…..it’s 4:45.  Now I have no problem with drinking at 4:45.  Just give a brother a heads up and a heroic rescue can be arranged.

 Apparently the highbrow dress code only tripped up a few attendees.  Pods was hatted and forced to remove his nazi pirate biker helmet.  Ska was forced to spray paint his tan work boots black.  Mertz was forced to run to the Men’s Wearhouse and get a suit because the bouncer didn’t like his long baggy shorts and Oakland Raider ankle tattoos.  Eman on a stick made the trip, but was told at the door that guests with a spine made out of a paint mixing stick were not welcome.  Eman on a stick’s inaugural 2012 appearance will have to wait.

 Hor’s doeouvers were served by a tall woman in a see-through white top.  Thank the lord that see-through white tops are allowed per the dress code.  Wings were very tasty, other stuff not bad.  Yo reported that 2 for 1 pizzas were decent, a huge upgrade from the completely awful meatball parm that had been served to him in a previous visit.

 It was discovered that a sweet 16 party was going on inside the discoteca.  Trent Eman was encouraged to take off his shirt, run into the party, and hope for the best, but apparently that was some sort of violation of the dress code.  The next-best strategy for Trent was a vigorous round of Presidents vs. Aliens, in the hopes that his deep knowledge of U.S. president trivia would impress the ladies.  Why not?  This approach always worked extremely well for the Gman while clubbing in the 80’s.

 Despite the pediatrician’s ongoing warnings to their parents, Julian and Andrew kicked off their answer to the NFL’s play 60 program (designed to get kids in motion) with their own program entitled “eat 60 finger program”, based upon sitting and eating chicken fingers for 60 minutes each day.  It may not be quite as healthy, but we’re all getting older and we need some TDDOC bench strength developed.  Thanks for grooming your boys, Su.

 The ratio of TDDOC attendees to non-attendees at the bar was 35-2.  The NJ chapter had one corner, the PA chapter had another corner, and the up and coming Burlington Coat Factory chapter (Dana and Norine) had another corner.  At times it was like a middle school dance, with each corner staring at each other with a mix of terror and disinterest.  Drastic measures were required….what could bring these groups together?  Ahh, the shot of the night!  The shot of the night was Fireball cinnamon whiskey.  Tasty, refreshing, mellow, and likely the cause of many pains on the throne the next morning.  It’s also very effective at tricking the breathalyzer into thinking you’ve overdosed only on cinnamon buns, so keep a bottle handy in your glove compartment just in case.

 Other than our three groups, the other bar attendees were limited to a few stragglers and an angry unhappy looking older couple.  There was lots of arm crossing and stern looks, and it was only a matter of time before the phrase “hey kids, get off my damn lawn” was uttered.  Eman encouraged the creation of a contest where each of the three groups try to wow them into their group, but Crazsian shot that down immediately with “I don’t want them”.

 Several belated awards from the 2011, 2010, and 1926 seasons were given out by the PA chapter executive commissioner Crazsian.  The 2011 and 2010 awards were for Crossover champion, given to the individual most pathetic that they actually have nothing better to do than to cross over from the NJ chapter to the PA chapter.  Eman and Russ got the 2011 and 2010 awards, respectively.  Crazsian insisted that there was absolutely no implied meaning behind the fact that Russ’ award was much larger and thicker than Eman’s, but there was a twinkle in Russ’ eye.

 Goettle made a surprise appearance and FINALLY admitted that his move to Virginia was all just a hoax and he still lived in Hamilton, with the intent to simply “start a new life” away from “those people” having failed miserably.

 Billionaire Pat Worth and Russ vehemently agreed that Saturday Night Live is horrible and hasn’t been funny in 20 or 30 years.  They then went outside to yell at some kids to “get off the damn lawn”.

 The bikers (Tamps, Katherine, Laura C,  I’m missing others, CPL who has a bike) left after a while to “hang out with their real friends”.  Oh wait, it was just to hang out with each other.  OK, it was Laura C’s birthday and the two for one pizzas just weren’t doing it for her.  Yes, but did they have Fireball cinnamon whiskey shots where you went?  Happy Birthday, Laura!

 I’m going to try to recycle a tradition from Year 1 of the TDDOC, the construction of the 2012 Twelve Days song.  Each day the stats writer shall suggest 4 possible lines, and the next day’s stat writer (in addition to suggesting 4 lines for their day) gets to pick the winner from the previous day (or OK just make one up).  Here goes:

 On the first day of Xmas, my true love sent to me: A sweet 16 party 
An old man yelling “get off my damn lawn!” 
A nutmeg whiskey shot 
A size-representative commemorative medal

Attendees

Alba
Andrew (Gman)
Andrew (Woo!-boy)
Arounkone
Art Neufeld
Billy Bob
Bobo
Cheryl Cohen
Chris Straka (The Scarf)
Dana (Lisa E. coworker)
Donna (Julie N. friend)
Donny Walker
Eman
Frank Kimchick
Gman
Goettle
Janelle Young
Jay Wahl
Jenna Walker
Joan (Rebecca friend)
Julian
Julie Nuefeld
Katherine
Laura (biker chick)
Lisa Eman
Lisa Walker
Lynn (Rebecca friend)
Mandala Brown
Mertz
Mosso
Norine (Lisa E. coworker0
Pat Worth
Rebecca
Rich (Laura BF)
Rita
Rose
Sandor
Scugi
Sharon Ang (Crazian)
Shawn (Reese friend)
Ska
Sophia
Su
Tamp
The Mechanic
Trent Eman
Val (Rebecca friend)
Will T
Yo