TDDoC: Day 1 Stats by Eman

Day 2 will be at the Cheesecake Factory at the Quakerbridge Mall on Route 1. This delightful family-owned eurobar is frequented by recovering shopaholics, unemployed sports mascots, and drunken off duty mall santas. It features pin-the-tail-on-the-cheesecake contests, cheesecake horseshoes, and of course, the cheesecake catapult.

YES, you are right, this is incredibly lame, but it took a tough fight to beat out Joe’s Crab Shack. The good news is that this year’s real theme is Lameness, in an attempt to reel back in BIG LOU. The liquor of the day will be cheesecake martini; it’s absolutely delicious.

Now on to Day 1 stats….

Day 1 rolls in. Well, of course, Day 1 in the New Jersey time zone. For the PA TDDOC crew, it’s already Day 4. For the Sunnyvale CA team, it’s actually Day 7 of the 2014 TDDOC. Don’t be confused. It’s all perfectly logical when you consider the movements of the moon across the night sky as you go further west across the country. We’d need to use advanced calculus if we’d ever want to figure out what TDDOC day it is in Hawaii.

The Firkin is actually fairly packed, especially since not all of the customers are the TDDOC. As advertised in the Day 1 announcement, many of the customers are lumberjacks. It’s a joint night for the NJ and PA chapters, showing some rare camaraderie in a relationship often marred by shouting, shoving, and hand-to-hand combat. Mertz is fired up, as his meeting in DC ended early enabling him to race up 95 to get to the night’s festivities early. He celebrates with some sort of Fred Flintstone meat dish, with a wad of meat attached to the end of a bone. I later notice that there was apparently some sort of juice explosion from the meat that ended up on Keith’s shoulder, but at that point, it was far too late to care.

Gman and Su show up with the boys in tow. Julian and Andrew are clearly extremely excited that the TDDOC has started, so they no longer need to spend any time at home relaxing, playing with toys, and watching TV. The thrill of hanging out nightly with a group of AARP members is clear in their eyes. I did catch Julian on the payphone in the hall at one point, talking to someone named “Dyfus” or something like that, but he was probably just telling them how fun the TDDOC is. Gman reports terrorizing Celeste with discussions on how to best off oneself.

Tamps walks in and Mertz greets him with “Are you going to Denver?” Tamps yells NO so forcefully that Mertz’s beard hairs flap in the wind.

Crazsian tries to stir up some gaming fun in the Firkin game room, but can only seem to get other PA chapter members involved. All attempts to reel in NJ chapter members are met with “I’m too old”, “my back hurts”, and “I just can’t understand this new technology”.

Scugi shares some details on the latest TV shows he’s been watching, and in particular some detailed disturbing information about Walton Goggins from Justified. Apparently he’s very adept at transforming into a woman for roles on other shows via use of some sort of body armor. That sounds completely ridiculous but have Scugi show you the video. Just don’t do it alone with Scugi, though, as that would be extremely creepy.

2012 Rookie of the Year EdRod has returned. Oddly, he is not wearing the Purple Moose that he was awarded last year. EdRod boasts how he’ll be getting all 12 points this year, and then declaring that this whole thing is really lame, and then never coming again. OK, he didn’t say any of that, but I really wanted him to.

The bar is now packed with rabid Bears fans. Oh wait, they are rabid Eagles fans just rooting for somebody/anybody to beat the Cowboys. Who cares. I’m a Giants fan. Isn’t the NFL season already over?

I visit Lisa Eman and Trent in “the family bullpen”, where they are engaged in some sort of massive feast of lobster, crab & bacon mac & cheese, and spaetzle. How could they order that stuff when there are delightful Irish Nachos on the menu? Warning: Irish Nachos are something like a reuben over potato chips, which tastes good for the first few bites, then quickly evolves into a massive stomachache requiring extensive hospitalization.

Eman regales the others with tales of how many of his personal body parts have been and will continue to be extensively explored by other humans during the week.

Sophia and Michelle show up late with TDDOC newcomer Jenny in tow. Clearly at this point Jenny is the early odds-on favorite for 2013 Rookie of the Year, with a bold 1-0 lead over all other candidates.