READY TO GO, FIRK IS DAY 1
AS ALWAYS, IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST AND/OR WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM DISTRIBUTION (OR WANT TO PROVIDE A DIFFERENT EMAIL ADDRESS), LET THE CHIMP KNOW.
Ahhhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent noseblows, and inescapable Christmas music in every nook and cranny of the face of the earth....it must mean....it's time for....
THE 17th ANNUAL (EXCEPT 1998) FESTIVAL OF.....THE TWELVE DRINKING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TDDoC)!!! This year's theme is Obamacare. Why not help out your fellow Americans by (a) drinking in a bar instead of increasing traffic on healthcare.gov and (b) subjecting your liver to a good workout to test Obamacare’s ability to fix it? What could be more American than completely neglecting your health in pursuit of a good time and complaining about your health later? Disclaimer: Actual healthcare and/or actual employment may or may not be available in some states.
START DATE: MONDAY, DEC 9
LOCATION:
Firkin Tavern, Ewing, NJ, This new cutting-edge lumberjack bar in the Superfund toxic cleanup section of downtown Ewing has quickly become famous amongst the liberal social media of Trenton and Camden, and is often frequented by NSA whistleblowers, cheerleaders in hazmat suits, and extremely loud talkers. It features karaoke target practice, blown trannies, see-who-can-wait-the-longest-for-the-bartender-to-serve-them contests, and Harpoon '100 Barrel Series' Polskie Mastne (whatever that is) on tap. Note that it does have free wifi in case you want to access these guidelines during the actual event. Careful! The canal is nearby so don’t ride your car, bike, or lawnmower into it. One final warning; if you are hungry and scanning the menu and see something called “Irish Nachos”, quickly gather all women and children nearby and lead them to safe cover. Their stomachs will thank you.
Legendary traditional (in other words, really lame) Day 1 spot Charlie Brown's is yet still closed due to bankruptcy due to all of the raisin bread stolen from the salad bar over the years by Crack Pipe Larry. Editor’s note: You may have seen earlier this year on 60 Minutes that it turns out that cb’s actually shut down simply because it $ucked, and the total loss in profits due to CPL’s raisin bread kleptomania was well under $1MM USD.
Rejoice that the Day 1 location has been chosen and advertised this early. This will be the last time during this event that you will be this happy.
Now for the details. For those that are new to the TDDoC, I've included the following Guidelines. For those that are familiar with the TDDoC format, you may still want to re-acquaint yourself. It's not as easy as riding a bike. It's almost as easy as drinking, but not quite.
Guidelines
1. For the purpose of the Festival, working days in which you could drink AFTER WORK are considered "Drinking Days". (I know that the term "Drinking Days" causes some controversy every year as it is easily and often argued that every day is a "Drinking Day"). Traditionally the Festival begins on the date that allows 12 "Drinking Days" to occur prior to Christmas Day - This year it's the 9th of December. Unlike other chapters throughout the country (especially those in the greater San Jose area and west of the Delaware River in general), there will be no special exceptions due to plant closings, postal holidays, moon/earth alignments or other such nonsense. The twelfth day of the event will as always occur on Dec. 24. Why? Because that helps to make this whole thing as inconvenient as possible.
2. Attendance is scored by showing up and drinking with your friends, colleagues, soon-to-be-friends, other peoples' neighbors, and assorted annoying bores. Any action to discourage someone from showing up simply because they have bad breath, poor eating manners, or are a pompous a$$ is severely frowned upon. This is good fodder for the stats (see guideline # 7). However, unwillingness to imbibe can of course be held as a strike against any otherwise worthy candidate. Agreeing to participate in an "a$$-off" is generally considered as a reasonable substitute for drinking, unless you are a man.
Tradition has it that there is a one-drink minimum to be awarded a Point. Anyone on travel during The 12 Days & gathering in the spirit of The 12 Days will, of course, be considered participants if they 1) are actually drinking and 2) submit Stats. Please note that the official TDDOC definition of "considered" is "not considered". Phoning in alone does not enable point awardance but is highly encouraged to aid the home team in stats preparation. Drinking by yourself does not count, and drinking with some casual loser work friend if that loser is not involved in the larger effort does not count either. If you want a point for drinking with that casual loser work friend, you will need to drag them out to multiple mainstream TDDOC events in order for your miserable time with them to count. Whoever has the highest Tally of Points on Day Twelve will be awarded a coveted TDDoC trophy, and, as always, be obligated to abuse those that fell short in their quest to be the champion for their lameness. Never mind that said trophy has NEVER been awarded. It sounds good on paper. Note that in lieu of said trophy, the ceremonial "knocking of the sconce" off the wall at the Day 12 location may be substituted.
Far and away the most significant value of the point system is to incur repeated heated discussions, fisticuffs, and "airing of the grievances". Please keep this in mind and argue about points that you "should have had" as often as possible. Penalty points: If a TDDOC member shall drive within 100 yards of the night's location on the way home without stopping, that member shall forfeit all points and be subject to a NUTKX (see section 8).
3. Any adult-beverages consumed outside these events (weekends, from the bottom-drawer at work, at breakfast.. .) is regarded as Practice for The 12 Days and will not be scored. However, as in any hard-core sporting event, practice is highly encouraged.
4. Events are to be held in a different pathetic central NJ (or perhaps other states, as long as they are east of the Delaware river) establishment each of The 12 Days. Suggestions for events at further-away locations are, as always, highly encouraged, and yet, as always, highly unlikely. Any crossings of the Delaware river must be by rowboat while standing to be fully sanctioned by the TDDOC.
5. Invitees are by no means limited to those addressed in this initial distribution. This is an open invitation. Any stiff that you can drag out is more than welcome. Participants should also encourage breakout chapters in other sections of the country. Once again, the San Jose CA chapter will also be in full working order (or so the Germans would have us believe), and rumor has it that another chapter may have been chartered west of the Delaware. Unfortunately, due to complications from Sarbanes-Oxley, the OJ Simpson legal trial, and public campaign for Congo the dog, the Dulles VA chapter, despite having received a $20 billion subsidy from the US government, still cannot square up on previous bar bills and is defunct. There are allegedly Facebook pages for other chapters throughout the country, but be forewarned! These are really embedded viruses that when clicked upon will cause you to be pummeled with email nonstop from a collection of raving lunatics. Wait, that may be this email distribution list. Either way, do NOT click on these sites.
5a. Remember that plant closings are not the end of TDDOC chapters. Why, without plant closings, we wouldn’t even have the TDDOC. Please treat plant closings as a gift from overpaid executives to their hard-working employees as a way to celebrate with others instead of having to go to work every day with a hangover.
6. Family events, work parties, watching Who’s the Boss marathons, having to "wash your hair" that night, removal of bodily organs (aka "the kidney card"), spending time with loved ones, being forced to move to Virginia, etc. are to be considered POOR excuses for missing TDDoC events. These may be important during other parts of the year but during the TDDoC festivities, please try to focus on what is really important, i.e. "Where are we drinking tonight?".
7. Which brings us to the daily Stats.
a) Stats are to be published the following day, with enough time to prepare for that day's event (i.e. before/during lunch), by an elected or forced stat-writer. This responsibility traditionally rotates between participants. Amendments and/or additions to the original published Stats are not only welcome but, in fact, encouraged (Different points of view can be awfully amusing). HOWEVER, rebuttals should stick to the general topic of TDDoC and the stats. Using the distribution list for sharing of personal jokes, "cool" youtube videos, and/or naked pictures of one's own butt are highly discouraged and the author will be placed on distribution for every internet junk e-mail list possible (unless it’s a particularly nice butt).
b) The Stats have generally been a free-form record - Including, but not limited to, the night's activities (should at least cover the basics, where when who etc), discussion topics (politics, sports, fashion, WHATEVER), liquids consumed (cooking/dipping oils and food condiment consumption are especially welcome here) and any patriotic songs sung. Generally, any photographic records of karaoke versions of "Darling Nikki" are highly discouraged.
c) Stats include an announcement/proposal as to where the next night's gathering is to be.
d) Stats include the running Point Tally.(stat writer's personal choice on whether points from the legendary Glenn Burtnick concert at Altamont in '69 should count or not)
e) Stats are an ideal forum to introduce Suggested Topics for that night's discussion. Throw out a topic or two you (the scribe) would like to see tabled during the night's activities. This of course may (and likely will) be completely ignored. Of course, if the word "scribe" is used at any point, you may risk being beat senseless with an empty beer bottle or an "Eman on a stick".
f) Stats of course need not be true!! Embellishment and downright manufacture of the details is highly encouraged, as this is likely to be far more interesting than what actually happened.
g) Note: Use of the word "scribe" itself is highly discouraged in East Coast chapters. Please see (e) again.
H) One more thing: For the love of g0d, please do something stupid, loud, obnoxious or disgusting to help out your local stat writer with material.
8. WHYYY?? call: It is standard for the first person who shows at that night's event to vent their frustration from having to sit at the bar by themselves like a huge loser by calling another participant on their cell phone and yelling "WHY????" into the phone, which is of course short for "WHY am I drinking alone?". Per custom, it is encouraged to then hang up the phone prior to allowing the recipient of the phone call to respond in any manner. No special bonuses are awarded for this other than the personal satisfaction of taking out your societal anger on an unsuspecting other party. Anyone caught making a bogus "WHYYY??" call (NOT the first one at the bar, NOT alone at the bar, or NOT even at the bar) may be subjected to a "NUTKX", which is a Windows software module which will provide the user with a swift kick to the privates upon next logon to work computer as punishment for violation of important social norms. NUTKX may also be provided manually by the recipient of the bogus WHYYY?? call or by the bartender. WHYYY???? text messages, facebook/twitter updates, and/or instant messages are similarly not acceptable and will quickly be faced with a stern poke in the chest from the tallest person in attendance.
9. Contests, competitions, shenanigans: Contests such as no-repeat beer quest (not repeating a brand/style of beer for the entire 12 days), no-repeat tequila shots, drinking your drink out of another's shoe, duels at 20 paces, and of course footraces are highly encouraged. No special points will be awarded for most "shushings" (i.e. being told by an old lady that you're too loud and need to quiet down).
10. Alleged celebrity sightings: Always encouraged, always highly unlikely. It is believed that there has been only a single alleged celebrity sighting in the history of the TDDoC: the alleged sighting of Lilleth from Cheers in the Main Street Bistro circa 1999. Please try for more, and if encountered do your best to engage them in either (1) drinking heavily or (2) mean-spirited fisticuffs.
11. Hard liquor of the day: The first person at the bar (or first person that cares to do so) is encouraged to name a hard liquor of the day, and all are encouraged to imbibe in said liquor at some point during the evening, be it in a mixed drink, shot, straight up, or pouring it over one's own head. Shouts of "ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE HARD LIQUOR?" (copyright The TEH Foundation) should of course accompany said activity.
12. Pre-season: According to Tamps, there is no pre-season and no points for any efforts shall be awarded….according to Tamps. I'm just sayin'.
13. Privacy Notice: Any hopes of privacy are limited at best, and everyone is responsible for themselves (copyright the DT Foundation).
So, without further ado, clear out your calendar and load up your office desk drawer with hangover remedies!!
