Day 10 Stats -- The Quadrature Point

Good Lord, it is Day Eleven:
Dacey's Pub
215 West Philadelphia Avenue
Morrisville, PA 19067

215/ 295-4838

www.daceyspub.com



Day 10 Stats - from Sophia


Day 10 – er, 9.9 - and I got a quadrature point! (I think…) I felt very tall in Puerto Barrios. The bar came up to my knees or mid-thigh and Ska and Scugi loomed over it even while seated on their shorty bar stools. I had a good dinner for a good price - $3 per enchilada! The G-mans sat at the table next to us but they were kicked out to the family section. I tried Tamp’s awful-sounding drink that he said was actually really good - but it was awful. I tried Rita’s plantains and they were great. Goettle tried the leftover tacos and since he ate them I guess they were good. And the rum was good too. I am declaring Day 9.9 a success!


There was no raging “against the dying of the light” that I could discern and that left me a little skeptical of Uno as the choice for Day 10 but I see now that it met all of the requirements. Well, the one requirement. It is not on Whitehorse-Mercerville Road but it is not too far off of it either.

So, there.

There is plenty of parking extending into the movie lot. Really. I’ve never seen the movie lot full so if you can’t find a spot I don’t know what to say. The Uno bartenders are always friendly and it’s easy to get a drink. Plus, you can get a discount on your movie ticket. What need for rage? We will go quietly into Uno.

Day 10 at Uno was the day of two Christmas miracles (again!), as Ska exclaimed as he entered the official Day 10 location to find Mosso in from Colorado for his first point of the 2014 season and BB there for his third night in a row. I think Mosso gets the cubature point for coming in from Colorado. It will be added to the totals after approval from the full secret committee; they are meeting, I think, for a tea party. The TDDoCers were camped in several locations throughout the place with the Chorbas boothed on the east side of the bar, the Joneses out in the garage, Scugi & Maria Scugi in a separate booth with me, and Yo and the rest on the west side of the bar. All the way from England, in the Jones party, came Oliver Jones. Maybe the cubature point has to go to him. I saw the back of Trent’s head but by the time I left I hadn’t seen any of Reese. I hope she made it there to continue her streak of, well, I don’t know how many days but I think it was a record-breaking streak in the making (Reese – where are you?!). It was a quieter night after the great battle for the bars of Princeton, even with Ska’s loud football commentary. Maybe everyone is a little tired by Day 10 but I heard a great tip for those who may be somewhat sleep deprived, looking tired with baggy eyes and a pallid complexion (not unlike my pallid prose here?) heading into Day 11: just wear a really hot outfit and no one will notice what your face looks like. I don’t know who this is supposed to benefit though.

And once more, a PSA for the stats. Alcohol intolerance occurs when your body doesn't have the proper enzymes to break down the toxins in alcohol. Intolerance reactions can also be caused by other ingredients commonly found in alcoholic beverages. This includes, among others, histamine, a by-product of fermentation or brewing.

It's no wonder that Benedryl is the perfect hangover med for me. I am stocking up for tonight.

Day 9 Stats -- No Casualties

It is now Day 10. Homestretch, time for a ramrod:
Uno Pizzeria and Grill
(you know, about 6:30 PM)
225 Sloan Avenue
Hamilton, NJ 08619
609/ 890-0864

Day 10 officially will be at Uno Pizzeria and Grill, in the up-and-coming Sicilian section of Hamilton Township. Enjoy the scents, scenes, and sounds of the Amalfi coast, Tuscan wines, and the AMC Hamilton 24 multiplex. This 5-star traditional Italian restaurant is a favorite among once-again-Super-Bowl-denied Eagles fans, those in training for the beer-per-mile championship, and those who still haven't made it home from the Princeton Pub Crawl. It features Chicago-style pizza, Hamilton-style pizza, no-style pizza, people yelling aimlessly at TVs, and AMPLE parking. Don't be distracted by that fancy-sounding pizza place across the parking lot; this is the Uno and only place to get good pizza in the area. -- Stefan


Bonus Event (Day 9.9, or "Pre-Ride")
Earn Quadrature Points!
Puerto Barrios Restaurant
(Say 5:00 PM, total guess)
845 Chambers Street
Trenton, NJ 08611
609/ 393-3663

In the scenic Chambersburg section of Trenton, when not overrun with stabbings, car-jackings, insider trading, and jaywalking, this Guatemalan bistro serves cheap tasty food and drink with excellent service (and will be very glad you're there, and so will you). Did someone say, "Tacos!"?



Day 9 Stats -
Three Armies and the Battle for the Bars of Princeton

It was no secret that today was the day.

We knew from Day 1 this day was coming and so did our rivals. We prepared as best we could because we knew they would bring their best. For years on the Princeton Pub Crawl, we encountered the Princeton Ski Club and the Santa Hat Pub Crawl. This year would be no different.

I was awoken from my afternoon nap by a text from Laura. "I think I am the first person here." It was not exactly a “WHY?” call, but I got the point. I roused my self up and prepared for battle. Our army assembled at Mediterra for expensive drinks and a crowded bar in preparation for what laid ahead. I went straight to the battlefield, The Yankee Doodle Tap Room at the Nassau Inn. We have lost some of our bravest on the floor of the ladies room there. Tonight we would see the return of the Earl of Cassler to the TDDoC. We positioned ourselves in different areas of the bar. Our forward operations forces, Scugi, Maria, Art (our Princeton Ski Club double agent), Julie, Patricia, Dave and Celeste, took tables along the wall and set up for food. We then chased a group women and children from the tables by the fireplace and took those. Our senior leadership, E-man, Ska, BB, the G-man and others hunkered down at the corner of the bar and set up a command center to oversee the battlefield. Laura, Erin, Ed, and Katherine controlled the front of the bar. Lynn and Jim also engaged in the battle that was about to begin. We were ready for what ever the Princeton Ski club or Santa Hats could bring. The Princeton Ski Club was held at bay only managing to have sporadic access to the side of the bar. They were forced to very weak position between the bar and the tables. Then came the Santa Hats. They were in full force in numbers that we have never seen before. They pushed in and broke through our lines. They never did breach our forces at the tables, nor the senior command post. It soon became obvious that the overpriced beer would be even harder to get now that all three armies were all here. It was time to retreat to Triumph. That reminds me of the theme song from F Troop The lyrics tell of how Captain Wilton Parmenter got his commission: "A hero who sneezed abruptly seized retreat and reversed it to victory"


So off we were to the head off the Santa Hats and take the high ground at Triumph. Triumph is a micro brewery with stinky bitter beer served in silly glasses. Brian and Andy know the best thing to drink at this micro brewery is the mixed drinks. We secured a table and bar space at the upstairs bar. As additional forces arrived, we also secured the low ground at the downstairs bar by the bottom of the stair case. Billy Bob noted that the Alchemist and the Barrister now have 2 bars and there will be plenty of room for us there. We send out the First Cavalry Division to The A&B, but they find the place is already full and are unable to secure any ground. As more forces arrive, Celeste, David Reese and others secure a table in the old section and order the tradish soft pretzels and hot horseradish sauce.

All nostrils were cleansed.

Over in the new section, the rest of us assembled. The Santa Hats launched a surprise attack from our rear flank. The battle would be decided here. Their forces were weakened, but so were ours plus we did not have a secured position. It is times like this that tests a man, and one of own stepped up and did what he does best, talk to strangers. Billy Bob approached the Santa Hats and with our lead negotiator Goettle brokered a peace deal. We even managed to add some of them to our fold.

In the end, a good time was had by all. There were no casualties to report, and one of us was over heard saying "For 17 years you were doing this and never told me about it! How come? This is so much fun!"

Day 8 Stats -- The Millennial

It is Day 9.
Princeton Pub Crawl
Starting Location (5:30 or 6:00 PM, whatever)
Mediterra
29 Hulfish Street
Princeton, NJ 08542
609/ 252-9680

Wait for the sign and all prisoners will be released into the YANKEE DOODLE TAP ROOM

Yankee Doodle Tap Room
10 Palmer Square East
Princeton, NJ 08542
609/ 688-2600

Other locations as appropriate.



Day 8 Stats - First and Ten Sports Pub:

Wow, golly. I thought I was grown up when I was allowed to start drinking in front of my dad at 19, but here goes my very first set of stats for The Twelve Days. A daunting task, but I'll do what I can...

"Sure," I said, when the Dad-You-Know-As-G-Man asked me if I wanted to be dragged again to a sports bar to drink beer on his dime. I sighed, groaned, and reluctantly followed him to the veritable paradise of sports and beer that awaited me this evening. We arrived at approximately 6:10 PM, and were greeted by a dim blue light and a raucous applause at my arrival. The party could start now.

From the very beginning I knew this night was going to be a wild ride when Sophia offered the table some proclaimed-to-be-mediocre Caesar wings. Caesar wings? Adventurous, but being a buffalo kind of guy, and wanting to save room in my tiny body for beer, I declined and allowed G-Man to suffer in mutual recognition of mediocre wings with Sophia. Bullet dodged. This is a roller coaster.

The E-group watches on in solidarity as the G-Man continues to side-eye the bits of meat left on Sophia's wings. The E-man was wearing what I'll admit was a pretty "dope" by my millennial standards, a cross-hatch patterned sweater. I see you, dude. Nice!

Lisa told us a story about doing team-building at work, that got me thinking some. The team-building activity was that everyone had to tell a story from their childhood that affected them, and this led to people telling sad stories. The thing about an this kind of activity is that you can convey whatever you want to convey to people since most people have all kinds of stories, and we all agreed that anyone could simply lie in these stories.


Soon after, BPW arrives, and I don't remember this person from before because my brain is always only swimming with Sponge Bob jokes, Bop-It™ commands, and social media anxiety. But after re-meeting him and talking about school with G-Easy G-Daddy Pops, he vanishes to the bar like an enigma into the night, leaving me only to make awkward eye contact with him from the table sometimes later.

At some point, my sandwich arrived, and I'd be remiss not to praise the First and Ten's Buffalo Chicken sandwich. A savory chicken with zesty sauces to sate my need to spend my dad's money. I noted that G-Duck was sharing his sandwich with Bill, who is ~*~an islander~*~. Did Trent eat a full sandwich by himself? I look down at the second half of my sandwich and I feel my virility and my social grip slipping through my fingers.

BPW returns and proceeds to try and tell me that he's a billionaire, the illuminati are real, and that dreadlocks are the spawn of Satan, and all of the proof was online. These were all things that I already knew though, so loosing my patience with him I turned back to talk with those at the table. G-Money told me that a girl at another table had been eyeing me. After confirming which girl, I proceeded to go in for the kill only to find that the guy at the table was her boyfriend. We couldn't have left faster after that.

Day 7 Stats -- Editor's Note

Welcome to Day 8 (Lord, I hate you people):
First and Ten Sports Pub
1961 Hamilton Avenue
Trenton, NJ 08619

609/ 587-1028

Click for Facebook page



Day 7 Stats:
A text comes in at 5:15 from Reese. It contains a picture. It is a picture of an empty bar… an empty bar with all bar stools pushed perfectly in to the bar. It is a picture that looks like it was taken at a bar at 4AM after clean up is done. But it is not 4AM… it is 5:15PM. Panic sets in -- the world seems to be collapsing around Reese. The mall is spinning and she stumbles down the hall to Seasons 52.

Or is it Area 51? She orders a drink and 9 appetizers -- then suddenly, all is right.

Meanwhile, back at Big Fish, it is now 5:25 and the bar is completely packed. It’s like people are camping out outside for tickets to an event, and they open the doors and the place goes from empty to full in about one minute. Eman is the first official attendee, but there will be no WHHYYYY??? call. The question will be WHY is that bartender that is not Danielle approaching me with intent to take my order? Danielle quick gives her a stern “get your dirty hands off my customer, whatever his name is” glare and the other bartender meekly retreats.

People start rolling in and ordering off the cheap happy hour menu. E-man goes for the tradish-yet-now-upscaled white pizza, which used to be on more traditional dough but is now on flat bread. Obviously this is the reason for its price increase from $2 to $3. G-man opts to live large and go for the $6 Surf and Turf. $6??? How can this be? How can such a glamorous meal that is fit for a king be so cost effective? Stay tuned.

Polo pops in on her way home to Hackensack. Yes, Hackensack. It is true, she has changed jobs and now runs a tailgate at the Giants Stadium parking lot. OK, that’s not true. But she does now work in the marketing department for the Football Giants, and tasked with explaining to the loyal fan base how a team can $uck so badly. Clearly she is on the verge of quitting this miserable job.

OK, that’s not it either. She still works for ETS, and I am thankful for that, as my previous kindness to her clearly paid off in Trent’s excellent SAT scores. She is very happy to see everyone, but when she finds out that her favorite, Crack Pipe Larry, is not there she storms off vowing never to return.

The food starts to show up. There is E-man’s white pizza, coated in artery-clogging grease just the way he likes it. There’s that fancy piece of chocolate with a strawberry on top that somebody ordered. Wait, who ordered dessert? What is this?? Oh god no, it’s G-man’s surf and turf. The turf is a piece of meat the diameter of a poker chip and the surf is a small shrimp. The G-man screams out, "Hallelujah!" and digs in to this meal which is for a king.

This was a night of family shifts, the new concept created earlier in the season by the Cruz-Wood clan, where a family works together to cover the entire night in shifts. Yvette shows up with her parents and Ryan, and enjoys a nice dinner while leaving the baton on the bar for Goettle. Andy takes the early shift in the Milot family, and then DMile shows up hours later. The E-mans choose to work on depleting much of the world’s remaining oil supply by all driving separately.

A text comes in from Tamps. It says “I’m”.

We had some more TDDoC rookies. Kim brings out her daughter Brittany, who is clearly (and rightfully so) horrified at hanging out with this group of dinosaurs. Colleen brings out her friend Jeff. Lisa E-man bumps into friend Marlene, who then stops in at Big Fish carrying a larger wicker box with some mystery item(s) inside. We are getting closer to 500 all-time unique TDDoC attendees.

Art rolls in sporting his Rutgers sweatshirt, clearly prepared for the Clorox Dirty Dishwater Bowl where Rutgers will be playing this joyous bowl season. Sandor makes an appearance after missing the previous night because he was grounded; something relating to the French stats incident. Regina makes it back for the second day in a row after missing all of the first 17 years. New hot streak! CPL falls further down the list of SES TDDoC attendees. In CPL’s defense, Big Fish is 100 yards out of his way on the way home, and he did need to get home and watch his children and feed the dog. Wait, his children are 17 and over, and he doesn’t have a dog. Maybe, he needs to mow the lawn? There must be some good reason.**

Towards the end of the night, I get to witness one of the rarest occurrences in all of nature. It’s the “what happens late night at Big Fish and only Goettle and Ska are left” ritual. They were awkwardly arranged on opposite sides of the bar, yet you could see the gleam in Goettle’s eyes as he finished off his share of the Cedar Shelf Salmon (whatever that is), then gently slid the remainder (ala Lady and the Tramp) over to Ska with a wink. It was lucky I was hiding a distance away and watching with binoculars, as it is believed by scientists that this behavior is generally not exhibited when they are in the presence of other members of the species. At this point I needed to leave, so I called in the National Geographic team and hope to see the full event on TV early in the new year.

**Editor's note: There isn't.

Day 6 Stats -- Half-Price is Nice

Welcome to Day 7, headed home:
Big Fish Seafood Bistro

3535 U.S. 1, Suite 370
Princeton, NJ 08540

609/ 919-1179




Day 6 Stats:
Tuesday, Day 6? That is the throw-away day, or so goes the conventional wisdom.

So why not go to Salt Creek Grille, a throw-away location? At least this is what some would have us believe. I say eff them -- this place is great.

I arrive at 5:25 PM -- I know, a bit early. But it only took me four minutes to drive here! The place is packed. I don't know anyone, but it is packed. You know why? It only takes four minutes to get here! You would have to be jack-wagon not to be here.

Speaking of jack-wagons, CPL is here! (Everyone's favorite jack-wagon.) He is never anywhere and hasn't been seen at a TDDoC in years. But he is here. Like the Salt Creek Grille, I think CPL often gets bad-mouthed undeservedly. I asked him how long it took him to get here. He said, "Seven minutes, but I got lost." Jack-wagon.

In addition to the usual crowd who always seem to be around these things and the surprise appearance of CPL, we pick up a few new players: Regina from SES, Sonja from Robbinsville, and Sarah from knowing Reese (and Dmile?).

It occurs to some that Ska, Billionaire PW, and Sonja are all Robbinsville residents and that a new TDDoC power center could be forming and would force more visits to Centro. Sonja says only idiots go to Centro. CPL immediately expresses interest in going.

Burger Report: Both Sophia and Trent independently report excellent hamburgers. G-man feeling healthy orders what appears to be "Spinach on a Slab". Draft beer is fairly cheap - turns out 1/2 price on Tuesday. Score! This place is great.

Everyone reports loving this place because, well, obviously.

Day 5 Stats by Reese -- Free Parking

On the sixth day, there are rules you know:

Salt Creek Grill
Princeton Forrestal Village
1 Rockingham Row
Princeton, NJ 08540

609/ 419-4200



Day 5 Stats:

It is day 5, and we’ve all had time to recover from the Bordentown Pub Crawl that caused some of us to only be able to write in French for a few days. I slug through the traffic full of poor souls about to get trapped in the circle of hell known as the Nassau Park parking lots (seriously, the police and EMTs are issuing alerts to bring diapers and bottled water because it could take 4 - 6 hours to leave the parking lot!). I am grateful that I have a much more noble purpose than shopping.

I arrive at JoJos by 5:30, and the lot is already full. Suddenly, a man appears in front of my car, gesturing wildly. I panic for a moment that I somehow ran over his foot in my new car, but no, he is pointing to the glowing, sparkly, Holy Grail of the 12 Drinking Days attendee - an open parking spot! I slide my car into the spot with glee, and enter JoJo’s with a spring in my step ready to regale my fellow TDDoC mates with my tale of victory, only to be met with a room full of strangers and reserved tables.

I cannot contain myself; I need to tell someone of this achievement and whip out my phone to start the WHHHYYYY call when Felicia walks into the bar. It turns out that there was not one TDDoC miracle, but TWO! Felicia and I decide to celebrate with a drink, strategically choosing bar stools near patrons that look like they might leave soon, and not in the path of the bathroom. Scugi walks in, hugs us, and takes a seat on the other side of the bar in a move to try and save as many seats as possible for the those yet to arrive.

Scugi, Felicia, and I engage in a conversation across the bar consisting of hand gestures, some shouting, and Facebook messages for a good while. I learn that Scugi is friends with the pastry chef at Rat’s Restaurant. “Oooh, we haven’t been there in three years!” I think. Gman and family arrive, having had to battle the traffic on Nottingham Way as pedestrians. Gman was in quite a snit, having made a reservation only to find out that his table wasn’t going to be ready for hours. Julian and Andrew sniffled and said quietly, but loud enough for the hostess to hear, “Does that mean no Christmas pizza this year?” Su is so frustrated with the situation that she starts pounding shots of Sambuca. Three minutes later, the Gman Family Table, hereafter referred to as the GFT, is ready.

Sandor and Yo arrive, and Sandor is looking for Goettle. Apparently Goettle’s stats yesterday were so controversial that Sandor and Mrs. Sandor got into a fight over them, and he only made his point tonight because she was so upset with him he needed to leave the house and let her calm down. Sandor spends the rest of his time at JoJo’s pacing the bar and staring at the entrances waiting for Goettle so he can make him pay for the distress he has caused. Sandor leaves, and Goettle receives the all clear from Tamp to leave his car and cross the street. Rose and Shea enter, and a chorus of "Where is Ska?" is heard. Ska arrives much later, and heads to the Scugi side of the bar. Amazingly, we don't hear any of the conversation on that side of the bar!

Finally more of us start to arrive, everyone bemoaning the parking situation, which brings up the Pub Crawl, and some of the group are still upset about the complete lack parking in Bordentown, and why in the world did we not go to Dublin Square??? But there is a common theme with almost every place we’ve attended so far, with the exception of Killarney’s - NO EFFING PARKING.


Another theme that has emerged, and this one quite troubling, is that this year seems to NOT be the Twelve Drinking Days of Christmas where the locations are spread evenly throughout the central area. Instead we have the Twelve Days of Whitehorse-Mercerville Road. When a discussion arises, as it always does, of the next location and the myth that the stat writer gets to pick the next location, all of the suggestions are also on Whitehorse-Mercerville or just off of road. In fact, the leading suggestion is Unos down the street! Don’t get me wrong, the Hamilton Unos is attractive because it has a large bar and tons of parking, but that would be pizza a second day in a row, and we could space the pizza consumption out, especially since it would pale to JoJo’s pizza. Where has our creativity gone?! Why not the attractive happy hours of Ruth Chris’ cheapest price bar menu ever, or Salt Creek Grille, or Slocum’s sandwiches and immaculate bathrooms, Rat’s wines and free pastries from Scugi’s friend, or the Firkin, or the Americana, or Dacy’s wings, or (gasp) a place that has a Karaoke night? Is it because we haven’t had many new members, or are still scarred by the Chevy’s incident, or is the loss of those who went to Denver weighing so heavily upon us that we can’t think past Whitehorse-Mercerville Road and only places with no parking as a way of honoring the grief we have for those who can drink with us no longer?! Nay, I say! We need to remember that we have boldly imbibed all over this great state. “Do not go gentle into that good night, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

Day 4 Stats -- in English and Fuckface

Day 5, let's keep moving:

Jo-Jo's Tavern
2677 Nottingham Way
Hamilton, NJ 08619

609/ 586-2678

www.jojostavernnj.com


Day 4 Stats:

There’s nothing like a TDDoC pub crawl. Most nights of the TDDoC, we attend a single bar, enjoy drafts of fine beer or ale, and perhaps some vittles, and then head home. But on a pub crawl, we venture to multiple bars – that is, we go to more than a single bar - I hope you get the idea - really, it’s not all that complicated.

And so on the crisply cool, breezy evening of December 12, 2014, we executed the aforementioned pub crawl through ancient Bordentown. The crew met at Jester’s on the east side of town (or maybe it was on some other side of town). I really have almost nothing to say about Jester’s – I got to the front door when my antique portable cellular device buzzed and displayed a text message from Ska, who was out on point doing recon down the street in the vicinity of Farnsworth house and was in need of support.

In a centralized organization in which all decision-making power is vested in the executive body, one would have to obtain the necessary approvals from all of the ranks in which there is a vested interest in the outcome, but G-man and Tamp can go do all kinds of wacky stuff to themselves (use your imagination liberally), so if they think I need their permission to simply walk down the street and look for Ska in a non–TDDoC–sanctioned server of spirits. Really, who do they think they are, anyway?

Ska is clearly not at all concerned that he is ingesting a glass of Peroni in a place not called Jesters, Farnsworth House, or the HOB, the approved stops of the aforementioned Bordentown pub crawl. I share his lack of concern. In fact, I think that we derive more than a bit of glee by defying the tyrannical masters of TDDoC fate. But our glee is short-lived as a text from Tamp indicating that attendance at the Farnsworth House (FH) is mandatory – as in, get over there right away. So we oblige and meekly stumble into warmth of the FH and head over the bar region, where we see Art, Julie, and Warren, and Scugi, Tamp, Reese, Katherine, Rose, Lisa, E-man, and Kaden. We are soon joined by other latecomers – Laura, Rebecca, Erin and others who just finished harvesting X-mas trees from Longwood Gardens, followed by Rita, and then the incomparable, lovely, and talented Mertz.

Seeing Mertz stroll through the bar region of FH, not a care in the world, almost gliding on air, as if propelled by forces not of this world – yeah, I didn’t see it either. I'm not sure if anyone ever has.

Bar conversation. The art of bar conversation, where you pretend that whatever someone is saying to you is incredibly clever or fascinatingly brilliant is, well, a lost art. Or maybe it’s a practice which has always been imagined to be awesomely great in the past, but upon closer inspection, never really was all that great. Kind of like Don Sutton’s entry into the baseball Hall of Fame, or a present day patriot’s view of America. I suppose it’s gratifying to criticize the present state of things and harken back to romantic notions of the past – there’s a whole industry devoted to it – it’s called Faux News.


Where was I? Right, we’re at FH, enjoying an eclectic selection of beers and ales and running out of things to say, when G-man realizes that his couch has been left unsupervised and unmonitored all evening and scrambles out the door. He leaves so fast that he almost forgets to take Su with him. Poor Su – she will have to tell the children that they were the first to abandon our gang because Daddy was worried that the couch cushions were on the verge of losing those special contours that G-man has spent years crafting – the contours that nearly exactly conform to his derriere (i.e. a$$, for those of you who don’t speak French).

An advance team is assembled to scout out the final bar on this particular pub crawl. Ska, though not mortally wounded from the prickly undertones of earlier text messages from the tyrants who run this thing, elects to move out with the main forces, so Lisa, Rose, and I head out because we are tired of standing and looking around FH. We encounter scant resistance and in a matter of minutes arrive at the HOB to find it occupied by mostly friendly villagers and set up camp at one of the relatively unoccupied sections of the bar. We see that Rebecca has established a troop presence just across the bar – if hostilities break out, we are in perfect position to execute a textbook pincer movement – if only we knew what that meant. Soon, reinforcements arrive and so do some new recruits – Shea, John, and Pods. Not that Pods is a rookie. He’s seen more action than all of us combined – so much action, that he’s got the thousand-yard stare thing going on. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just google it. Also please let me know, if it’s not too much trouble.

Hobnobbing with the HOBers is a great American pastime. It ranks up there with rotary phone, texting, and those killer lawn darts. HOBers are the kind of simple and friendly folk you’d expect to find in Middle Earth. With their furry feet, love of strong ales, and passion for adventure, they are the backbone of this country. Problem is I can’t understand a single thing they say. But they do love a good game of darts on a Friday night, and our American paper money is one of their fondest targets. I’m not sure I completely grasped the rules of this contest, but it looked like whoever threw their dart the farthest from George Washington’s portrait was the winner. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out who won, but Shea and Pods looked like they were giving the locals more than a run for our American money. I can only hope they represented us with the class and dignity befitting a group such as our own.

______________________________________

Jour 4: Statistiques
Il n'y a rien comme une exploration TDDoC pub. La plupart des nuits de la TDDoC, nous assistons à une seule barre, bénéficient des projets de bonne bière ou d'ale, et peut-être certains vittles, puis rentrent chez eux. Mais sur une pub crawl, nous nous permettons de multiples barres - qui est, nous allons à plus d'un bar - Je espère que vous avez l'idée - vraiment, ce ne est pas si compliqué que ça.

Et donc sur le croquant frais, venteux soir du 12 Décembre 2014, nous avons exécuté la pub crawl précité par voie ancienne Bordentown. L'équipage se est réuni au Jester est sur le côté est de la ville (ou peut-être que ce était sur un autre côté de la ville). Je ai vraiment presque rien à dire sur Jester de - je suis arrivé à la porte avant lorsque mon appareil cellulaire portable antique bourdonnait et affiché un message de Ska, qui était sur le point texte faisant recon bas de la rue dans les environs de la maison Farnsworth et étais dans besoin de soutien.

Dans une organisation centralisée dans laquelle tout le pouvoir décisionnel est dévolu à l'organe exécutif, il faudrait obtenir les approbations nécessaires de tous les échelons dans lesquels il existe un intérêt direct dans le résultat, mais G-man et Tamp peut aller faire toutes sortes de choses loufoques à se (utiliser votre imagination libérale), donc si ils pensent que je ai besoin de leur permission de simplement marcher dans la rue et de chercher des Ska dans un serveur non-TDDoC sanctionnée de spiritueux. Vraiment, qui pensent-ils qu'ils sont, de toute façon?


Ska est clairement pas du tout préoccupé qu'il ingère un verre de Peroni dans un endroit pas appelé Jesters, Farnsworth House, ou la table de cuisson, les arrêts approuvés de la précitée Bordentown pub crawl. Je partage son manque d'intérêt. En fait, je pense que nous tirons plus d'un peu de joie en défiant les maîtres tyranniques de TDDoC sort. Mais notre joie est de courte durée car un texte de Tamp indiquant que la participation à la Farnsworth House (FH) est obligatoire - comme dans, aller là-bas tout de suite. Donc, nous obligeons et trébuchons docilement dans la chaleur de la FH et de la tête sur la région de bar, où l'on voit l'art, Julie, et Warren, et Scugi, Tamp, Reese, Katherine, Rose, Lisa, E-man, et Kaden. Nous sommes bientôt rejoints par d'autres retardataires - Laura, Rebecca, Erin et d'autres qui viennent de terminer la récolte des arbres X-mas de Longwood Gardens, suivie par Rita, puis l'incomparable, belle et talentueuse Mertz.

Voyant Mertz se promener dans la région de la barre de FH, pas de soins dans le monde, près de la glisse sur l'air, comme si propulsé par les forces pas de ce monde - oui, je ne ai pas vu non plus. Je ne sais pas si quelqu'un a jamais.

Bar conversation. L'art de la conversation bar, où vous prétendez que tout ce que quelqu'un vous dit est incroyablement intelligent ou fascinante brillante est, ainsi, un art perdu. Ou peut-être ce est une pratique qui a toujours été imaginé pour être impressionante grande dans le passé, mais en y regardant de plus près, jamais vraiment tout ce qui était grande. Un peu comme l'entrée de Don Sutton au Temple de la renommée du baseball, ou le point de vue d'un patriote aujourd'hui d'Amérique. Je suppose que ce est gratifiant de critiquer l'état actuel des choses et harken revenir à des notions romantiques du passé - il ya toute une industrie qui lui est consacré - ça se appelle Faux Nouvelles.

Où étais-je? A droite, nous sommes à FH, bénéficiant d'une sélection éclectique de bières et de bières et de manquer de choses à dire, lorsque G-homme se rend compte que son lit a été laissé sans surveillance et sans surveillance toute la soirée et brouille la porte. Il quitte si vite qu'il en oublie presque de prendre Su avec lui. Pauvre Su - elle devra dire aux enfants qu'ils ont été les premiers à abandonner notre groupe parce que papa était inquiet que les coussins du canapé étaient sur le point de perdre ces contours spéciaux que G-man a passé des années à l'artisanat - les contours que presque exactement conforme à son derriere (soit un $$, pour ceux d'entre vous qui ne parlent pas français).

Une équipe avance est assemblé en éclaireur sur la barre finale sur cette pub crawl particulier. Ska, mais pas mortellement blessés des nuances piquantes de précédents messages texte des tyrans qui dirigent cette chose, décide de sortir avec les principales forces, de sorte Lisa, Rose, et je la tête parce que nous sommes las d'être debout et en regardant autour FH . Nous rencontrons une résistance rares et en quelques minutes arrivons à la table de cuisson pour le trouver occupé par les villageois très chaleureux et installé un camp à l'une des sections relativement inoccupées de la barre. Nous voyons que Rebecca a établi une présence de troupes de l'autre côté de la barre - si les hostilités éclatent, nous sommes dans une position idéale pour exécuter un mouvement manuel de pince - si seulement nous savions ce que cela signifiait. Bientôt, les renforts arrivent et ainsi de faire quelques nouvelles recrues - Shea, John, et les gousses. Non pas que Pods est une recrue. Il a vu plus d'action que nous tous combinée - tant d'action, qu'il a le regard chose mille verges passe. Si vous ne savez pas de quoi je parle, il suffit de Google. Se il vous plaît laissez-moi savoir aussi, si ce ne est pas trop de problèmes.

Frayer avec les HOBers est un grand passe-temps américain. Elle se classe là-haut avec un téléphone à cadran, les textos et les fléchettes de pelouse tueur. HOBers sont le genre de gens simples et chaleureux vous vous attendez à trouver dans la Terre du Milieu. Avec leurs pieds à fourrure, l'amour de bières fortes, et la passion pour l'aventure, ils sont l'épine dorsale de ce pays. Le problème est que je ne peux pas comprendre une seule chose qu'ils disent. Mais ils ne aiment un bon jeu de fléchettes sur un vendredi soir, et notre argent de papier américaine est l'un de leurs objectifs les plus chers. Je ne suis pas sûr que je complètement saisi les règles de ce concours, mais il ressemblait à celui qui a jeté leur dard le plus éloigné de portrait de George Washington a été le gagnant. Je ne ai pas rester suffisamment longtemps pour savoir qui a gagné, mais Shea et les gousses regardé comme ils donnaient les habitants plus une course pour notre argent américain. Je ne peux qu'espérer qu'ils nous représentent avec la classe et la dignité qui sied à un groupe comme le nôtre.

Day 3 Stats -- Burgers

Day Four, southbound:

Bordentown!
Jester's - Farnsworth - HOB mini-crawl

www.jesterscafe.net

www.farnsworthhouse.com

www.hobtavern.com

Start at Jester's, around 6 PM or so. Then wait for the secret word to move.




Day Three Stats:

It was a Thursday and at Rossi's and it must be Family Night. Yes, bring your family out for a big-ass burger.

Arriving at 6pm gets me what seems the last parking spot. The place was packed. We manage to somehow lock up a corner of the bar but are only able to claim a few seats. But it's "no seat, no eat" and only the seated got to eat. Only when they were done are the others able to get in on these famous burgers by rotating through at the bar in Henry Ford assembly line style.

This Thursday is busy night for people. Lots of folks just passing through the TDDoC on their way to somewhere else (as if there were somewhere else - really?). Sophia had to sing. Sandor had to go to dinner with his wife (at Tesara - how come we don't go there?). Goettle stopped by on his way back from a meeting on Duopoly at an undisclosed location (The Pentagon) only to leave shortly after.

Family night, so the Chrobas, Emans, Gmans, Gman-in-laws, and Wood-Cruz clan were out. In addition to bar corner assembly line, we had the family table in the restaurant where the Emans, Gmans and Gman-in-laws dined.

The Wood-Cruzes, dynamic bunch that they are, worked the TDDoC in shifts. Shea was the first to arrive, followed by Rose and Jaxson. They sat for bit at the “Family Table” but moved on to the bar room because, dynamic. This is Jaxson's first point and before his first birthday (has this been done before?). Shea passed the baton to Kim around 9:30.

I notice that the Eman has ordered a burger which appears overflowing with pork roll, fried egg, broccoli rabe, and onions, and has no idea to eat this. Strategy #1 which entails simply picking it up and taking a bite does NOT work. Toppings and burger chunks fall out everywhere. An irate Gman yells out “you’re eating it all wrong, you need to cut that with a knife!!”. So Strategy #2….but Eman wonders who the hell eats a hamburger with a knife? His attempt to cut the burger with a butter knife is met with the same success as trying to the hard plastic container that has your new cell phone charger from Best Buy. The burger quickly becomes a charred ruins of its former self and is now a burger salad. Eman mumble expletives about "Gman and his elitist eating advice".

Ed Rogers had a special "in" here at Rossi's and ordered angel hair in garlic and oil. Ska notices this and jokingly announces "Hey, where did you get spaghetti?" Ed starts to explain garlic and oil to Ska. I have known Ska for a long time and he has had garlic and oil (aglio y olio) three out of four meals for the past 20 years. The fourth meal is usually pizza. The look on his face was priceless.

As the night went on, we grabbed bar stools as they became available and before the end of the night, we owned a quarter of the bar space.

Rumor has it Ska was last to leave. He was showing them how to make garlic and oil.

Day 2 Stats -- The Mosso Effect

Welcome to Day Three:

Rossi's Bar and Grill

2110 Whitehorse Mercerville Road
Hamilton, NJ 08619

609/ 890-2004

rossibarandgrill.com

This hip new gastroenteritis pub is a favored Thursday night hangout of recovering metrosexuals, people with excessive ear hair, Pokemon club officers, and nipple aficionados. It features Yell at the Customer night, instrumental karaoke, and wet t-shirt @ss-offs.
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Day 2 Stats -- The Mosso Effect Lingers

When Michelle arrives she announces that she has been instructed to document the event for Russ since he is in Colorado, so she immediately begins snapping pics and sending texts. Apparently Russ hinted at a tale from years past that took place at LEB. So Michelle urges Eman to tell the story of Mike the Homicidal Maniac (MtHM). Eman says, "I can’t do it. It’s just too much for me to relive... just thinking about it now and I can feel those scaly reptilian hands -- I just can’t do it!" After an hour of further prodding, Eman relents and agrees to share the story but only after a couple of shots of Jack Daniels…

"The year was 2011, it was Day 5 of the TDDoC, the bar was LEB, the TDDoCer’s were enjoying a festive start to the celebration, all was good with the world. Eman, ever the TDDoC ambassador, introduces himself to another bar patron and greets him with a handshake, but little did he know that handshake would forever change the way he thought about human and reptilian relations. As Eman withdrew his hand from the shake, he thought these scaly hands, which were as gritty as extra coarse sandpaper, could only come from an illicit relationship between a human and a reptile. This patron was MtHM, I am getting to the homicidal part.
"I apologize up front because in order to complete this story, I must get graphic. You can imagine that those scaly reptilian hands might come in handy if you need to climb a wall or sand your floors. HOWEVER if you are home alone, all alone… and you can’t get a date to stay because as soon as you touch her she runs out never to return, those scaly hands can be, well an impediment… OK let’s keep it real.. self-gratification ain’t happening with those hands… it just ain’t. And typically that leaves half-men half-reptiles (the politically correct refer to them as humantilians) in a backed-up state and just a little pissed off.

"There is something I should point out here: because of the mixing of warm blooded humans and cold blooded reptiles these humantilians have a low alcohol tolerance. Now, couple that with backed-up and pissed-off, the potential for head explosion is very high. He makes the announcement that no TDDoCer ever wants to hear, “I think I want to kill people." That always puts a damper on the party (you don’t want those scaly hands around your neck -- the brush burns may never heal). So Eman excused himself from MtHM and introduced him to Russ. Russ being experienced with head explosions, met insane with insaner and said, “After you do it we should cut them up and eat them, I have not had human barbeque in days”. After that we never heard from MtHM again."

Michelle’s bidding for Mosso did not stop there. She convinced me that Russ would appreciate a picture of me in some white fluffy

feathery thing, I don’t even know what it was. Well after a couple drinks I will do damn near anything, so obliged and pictures were taken. Russ I sincerely hope that you are not doing.. well you know … with that pic… while drunken Gman is happy to take the pic (click to see), sober Gman does not want to think about what is happening with the pic.

No designated drinker for Rose tonight, she makes an appearance AND suggests an all-white TDDoC night… That would kick ass… imagine everyone showing up for the Princeton Pub Crawl in all white… however, I think those events are typically held in the late summer because less clothing is required… the designee, Shea attended also, she pushed a date off until a later hour so that she could hang with the crew for a bit.

As Lynn and Jim plan their impending nuptials, Sandor offers sage advice: the key to his marriage longevity is his scotch and his wife’s bourbon.

BPW saw the East Coast from the seat of his bike, he rode down to Florida, that is a pretty cool trip.

Ska and I talked about Chris Columbus and his “discovery”, is he a hero, villain or an idiot who fell ass backward into history.

Rebecca, Erin and crew maybe OUT for Friday possible Bordentown Pub Crawl but are feverishly trying to mesh to events.

Mertz sends pics from Baltimore(?) toasting to NJ TDDoCer’s and throwing one or two back.

At one point, three guys walk in and look confused and disoriented as they see the bar packed with customers (at that point, everyone in the bar was from TDDoC). The initial assumption was that they were just really ticked that this crowd was here taking THEIR bar stools. Michelle talked to them for a while and it became clear that they actually had showed up to rob the place. Instead, they simply decided to have a couple of beers and rob it some other night.

Update on the men's room paper towel situation: The paper towel holder has been replaced with a electric air dryer. No more issues with wet hands! Wait, there may be an issue with the wiring or the power grid. The bathroom lights get noticeably dimmer when the dryer is on, and then brighten again after it shuts off. Maybe that's why the jukebox wasn't playing. In another bold move, the wheeled yellow bucket containing a mop and dark gray "water" that it always stored in the men's bathroom had apparently gone through its decennial emptying and now contains only mildly gray water. The mop is also new.

There was also some mention of a "strip pool" game having been played. Information on who, when, and the results is being stored by Edward Snowden.

At the end of the night, when Ska and I considered another round, Tamp, always the voice of reason, convinced us that it is only Day 2… a good pace is a good thing

Day 1 Stats -- Paul Sr.

On the Second Day:

Larry's Euro Bar
(more affectionately, The LEB)

965 New York Avenue
Trenton, NJ 08638

609-695-9590

https://www.facebook.com/LarrysEuroBar

Larry's Corner Tavern, aka Larry's Euro Bar, aka LEB. This up and coming Warsaw hotspot is popular amongst UV brand vodka fans, recovering AquaNet addicts, and unemployed dog groomers. It has the latest in cigarette machine technology, over 60 flavors of UV brand vodka, an alarming lack of paper towels in the men's room, and ample space for footraces in its off-street parking.
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Day 1 Stats

Ahhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent nose blows....oh wait, that's the wrong email. It was Day 1, and while it was dark, the air wasn't that freezing, I don't remember any nose blows, and I don't even think I heard Christmas music. I did smell urine though, and it was in the men's room of the Killarney's Publick House. I'm not sure what that term "Publick" is implying, but it might just mean that the public is welcome to come in and pee all over the men's room floor.

It was Day 1 and Scugi was first on the scene, followed by Eman. Well technically, "Paul Sr", the resident log-on-a-bar stool was first...and by first I may mean that he's been there for several days and just hasn't gotten up. He owns bar stool #1 at the end of the bar right by the kitchen, and the only time I've ever been to Killarney's and seen that bar stool not containing him, it was because he was staggering across the room towards the exit. I wonder what time you have to get there to get that stool before him, and what happens when he shows up and finds you sitting there? Sounds like something to try for next time, and I nominate Goettle. "Dude, I just saw this bar stool and it looked comfortable" should work just fine I think.

Rebecca rolls in and shares tales of future Rhodes Scholar winners from her present 8th-grade math class who have apparently proved that 1 + 1 = 0. Billionaire Pat Worth appears and immediately offers Paul Sr an unlimited amount of cash for his bar stool, but is rebuffed. Yo uses his charms on Paul Sr in an attempt to get the barstool deal closed, but fails and is only able to sell him an SAP enterprise license for his extended family as a Christmas present. Celeste arrives in a fashionable sweater in direct violation of the ugly sweater night requirement of the TDDoC guidelines. Colleen turns up with her friend Kim and they immediately slam their fists on the table and announce that they'll be doing all 12 days!

Trent, Julian, and Andrew engage in a dessert-off, with some sort of chocolate brownie souffle lump the contestant of choice. Trent downs it first, as Julian is slowed by constantly having to ward off with fisticuffs onlookers who think it looks tasty and may be hovering for a potential taste.

Shea enters and reports that her mother delegated the TDDoC meeting invite to her and required her to come. There was some story from Rose about being sick or something to that extent, but the obvious interpretation was "I don't want to go hang out with those miserable people. I have a good idea....you go do it for me."

Bobo and Nick roll in and Nick and Trent are immediately engaged in a "tall-off", which given the limitations of measurement equipment (eyeballing, a malfunctioning smartphone level app) was declared a tie. Bobo and Nick quickly transition into a soup-eating contest, with multiple bowls of various soups delivered to their table. The soup off is immediately followed by an order of wings and several sandwiches. Towards the end, Bobo is heard uttering the rarest of Bobo quotes "I can't finish this...I'm too full". One thing not to be forgotten; the Publick is serving their wings with a bowl of hot water for fingertip dipping, to keep the wing juice off your fingers "just like they do it in Ireland". As it turns out, once the wing juice starts populating the hot water, it makes a fine additional soup. Did Bobo finish that soup too? Ask him tonight to find out.

A moment of silence is observed for the defunct PA chapter and past NJ TDDoCers who have been transplanted to Denver. Well actually there was no moment of silence but there was a re-telling of the Russ "Ready for another russssshty nail?" story.

Various discussions ensue about potential locations for Day 2. Several people nominate the LEB as an excellent choice, touting its excellent food, cool local Poles, and the potential to hang with mulleted pool players. Gman rushes from table to table, trying to shush the LEB talk and steer people towards his choice, CPL's deck. He claims that the LEB has too small of a dance floor, its cigarette machine is outdated, and has too many homicidal maniacs, while CPL's deck offers lots of fresh air, romantic mood lighting, cheap MGD64 drink specials, and only one homicidal maniac. Thankfully, cooler heads prevail and ignore Gman's pleas.

2014 TDDoC Begins!

READY TO GO, KILLARNEY’S IS DAY 1

AS ALWAYS, IF YOU HAVE NO INTEREST AND/OR WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM DISTRIBUTION (OR WANT TO PROVIDE A DIFFERENT EMAIL ADDRESS), LET THE CHIMP KNOW.

Ahhhhh, darkness at 4:30, freezing cold air, the sweet melodies of frequent noseblows, and inescapable Christmas music in every nook and cranny of the face of the earth....it must mean....it's time for....

THE 18th ANNUAL (EXCEPT 1998) FESTIVAL OF.....THE TWELVE DRINKING DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (TDDoC)!!! This year's theme is the IPhone6. Use one! Get one! Smash one! It’s up to you. Or, if you prefer, smash another phone. Or smash something else altogether. NOTE: For those of you who are not violent, please skip to the next paragraph.


START DATE: TUESDAY, DEC 9

LOCATION: Killarney’s Publick House, Hamilton, NJ
This alleged Irish bar built solely from gingerbread, potatoes, and cabbage is popular amongst retiredhobos, concealed weapon carriers, and recovering Fox News addicts, and also sports the oldest living human bar log. Watch him drink until he falls off the bar stool! Wager on whether or he’ll be able to stagger out of the bar before hitting the ground! You’ll be in luck on Tuesday as it is yodeling night, where the locals are often spotted blaring out yodel versions of the latest Taylor Swift songs. Be sure to order the flaming pomegranatemeth pipe martini. It’s delicious. It’s also Ugly Christmas Sweater night, so please wear your best! Cead Mile Failte!

Legendary traditional (in other words, really lame) Day 1 spot Charlie Brown's is yet still closed due to bankruptcy due to all of the raisin bread stolen from the salad bar over the years by Crack Pipe Larry. Editor’s note: You may have seen earlier this year on 60 Minutes that it turns out that cb’s actually shut down simply because it $ucked, and the total loss in profits due to CPL’s raisin bread kleptomania was well under $1MM USD.

Rejoice that the Day 1 location has been chosen and advertised this early. This will be the last time during this event that you will be this happy.

Now for the details. For those that are new to the TDDoC, I've included the following Guidelines. For those that are familiar with the TDDoC format, you may still want to re-acquaint yourself. It's not as easy as riding a bike. It's almost as easy as drinking, but not quite.

Guidelines

1. For the purpose of the Festival, working days in which you could drink AFTER WORK are considered "Drinking Days". (I know that the term "Drinking Days" causes some controversy every year as it is easily and often argued that every day is a "Drinking Day"). Traditionally the Festival begins on the date that allows 12 "Drinking Days" to occur prior to Christmas Day - This year it's the 9th of December. Unlike other chapters throughout the country (especially those in the greater San Jose area, Colorado, and west of the Delaware River in general), there will be no special exceptions due to plant closings, postal holidays, moon/earth alignments or other such nonsense. The twelfth day of the event will as always occur on Dec. 24. Why? Because that helps to make this whole thing as inconvenient as possible.

2. Attendance is scored by showing up and drinking with your friends, colleagues, soon-to-be-friends, other peoples' neighbors, and assorted annoying bores. Any action to discourage someone from showing up simply because they have bad breath, poor eating manners, or are a pompous a$$ is severely frowned upon. This is good fodder for the stats (see guideline # 7). However, unwillingness to imbibe can of course be held as a strike against any otherwise worthy candidate. Agreeing to participate in an "a$$-off" is generally considered as a reasonable substitute for drinking, unless you are a man.

Tradition has it that there is a one-drink minimum to be awarded a Point. Anyone on travel during The 12 Days & gathering in the spirit of The 12 Days will, of course, be considered participants if they 1) are actually drinking and 2) submit Stats. Please note that the official TDDOC definition of "considered" is "not considered". Phoning in alone does not enable point awardance but is highly encouraged to aid the home team in stats preparation. Drinking by yourself does not count, and drinking with some casual loser work friend if that loser is not involved in the larger effort does not count either. If you want a point for drinking with that casual loser work friend, you will need to drag them out to multiple mainstream TDDOC events in order for your miserable time with them to count. Whoever has the highest Tally of Points on Day Twelve will be awarded a coveted TDDoC trophy, and, as always, be obligated to abuse those that fell short in their quest to be the champion for their lameness. Never mind that said trophy has NEVER been awarded. It sounds good on paper. Note that in lieu of said trophy, the ceremonial "knocking of the sconce" off the wall at the Day 12 location may be substituted.

Far and away the most significant value of the point system is to incur repeated heated discussions, fisticuffs, and "airing of the grievances". Please keep this in mind and argue about points that you "should have had" as often as possible. Penalty points: If a TDDOC member shall drive within 100 yards of the night's location on the way home without stopping, that member shall forfeit all points and be subject to a NUTKX (see section 8).

3. Any adult-beverages consumed outside these events (weekends, from the bottom-drawer at work, at breakfast.. .) is regarded as Practice for The 12 Days and will not be scored. However, as in any hard-core sporting event, practice is highly encouraged.

4. Events are to be held in a different pathetic central NJ (or perhaps other states, as long as they are east of the Delaware river) establishment each of The 12 Days. Suggestions for events at further-away locations are, as always, highly encouraged, and yet, as always, highly unlikely. Any crossings of the Delaware river must be by rowboat while standing to be fully sanctioned by the TDDOC.

5. Invitees are by no means limited to those addressed in this initial distribution. This is an open invitation. Any stiff that you can drag out is more than welcome. Participants should also encourage breakout chapters in other sections of the country. Once again, the San Jose CA chapter will also be in full working order (or so the Germans would have us believe). The PA chapter has unfortunately been purchased by a venture capital firm and sold off for the value of its parts. Luckily, due to some elite legal contracting workand support from the Colorado cannibis association, the PA leadership was able to reconstitute in the foothills of the Rockies. Unfortunately, due to complications from Sarbanes-Oxley, the OJ Simpson legal trial, and public campaign for Congo the dog, the Dulles VA chapter, despite having received a $20 billion subsidy from the US government, still cannot square up on previous bar bills and is defunct. There are allegedly Facebook pages for other chapters throughout the country, but be forewarned! These are really embedded viruses that when clicked upon will cause you to be pummeled with email nonstop from a collection of raving lunatics. Wait, that may be this email distribution list. Either way, do NOT click on these sites.

5a. Remember that plant closings are not the end of TDDOC chapters. Why, without plant closings, we wouldn’t even have the TDDOC. Please treat plant closings as a gift from overpaid executives to their hard-working employees as a way to celebrate with others instead of having to go to work every day with a hangover.

6. Family events, work parties, watching Who’s the Boss marathons, having to "wash your hair" that night, removal of bodily organs (aka "the kidney card"), spending time with loved ones, being forced to move to Virginia, etc. are to be considered POOR excuses for missing TDDoC events. These may be important during other parts of the year but during the TDDoC festivities, please try to focus on what is really important, i.e. "Where are we drinking tonight?".

7. Which brings us to the daily Stats.
a) Stats are to be published the following day, with enough time to prepare for that day's event (i.e. before/during lunch), by an elected or forced stat-writer. This responsibility traditionally rotates between participants. Amendments and/or additions to the original published Stats are not only welcome but, in fact, encouraged (Different points of view can be awfully amusing). HOWEVER, rebuttals should stick to the general topic of TDDoC and the stats. Using the distribution list for sharing of personal jokes, "cool" youtube videos, and/or naked pictures of one's own butt are highly discouraged and the author will be placed on distribution for every internet junk e-mail list possible (unless it’s a particularly nice butt).
b) The Stats have generally been a free-form record - Including, but not limited to, the night's activities (should at least cover the basics, where when who etc), discussion topics (politics, sports, fashion, WHATEVER), liquids consumed (cooking/dipping oils and food condiment consumption are especially welcome here) and any patriotic songs sung. Generally, any photographic records of karaoke versions of "Darling Nikki" are highly discouraged.
c) Stats include an announcement/proposal as to where the next night's gathering is to be.
d) Stats include the running Point Tally.(stat writer's personal choice on whether points from the legendary Glenn Burtnick concert at Altamont in '69 should count or not)
e) Stats are an ideal forum to introduce Suggested Topics for that night's discussion. Throw out a topic or two you (the scribe) would like to see tabled during the night's activities. This of course may (and likely will) be completely ignored. Of course, if the word "scribe" is used at any point, you may risk being beat senseless with an empty beer bottle or an "Eman on a stick".
f) Stats of course need not be true!! Embellishment and downright manufacture of the details is highly encouraged, as this is likely to be far more interesting than what actually happened.
g) Note: Use of the word "scribe" itself is highly discouraged in East Coast chapters. Please see (e) again.
H) One more thing: For the love of g0d, please do something stupid, loud, obnoxious or disgusting to help out your local stat writer with material.

8. WHYYY?? call: It is standard for the first person who shows at that night's event to vent their frustration from having to sit at the bar by themselves like a huge loser by calling another participant on their cell phone and yelling "WHY????" into the phone, which is of course short for "WHY am I drinking alone?". Per custom, it is encouraged to then hang up the phone prior to allowing the recipient of the phone call to respond in any manner. No special bonuses are awarded for this other than the personal satisfaction of taking out your societal anger on an unsuspecting other party. Anyone caught making a bogus "WHYYY??" call (NOT the first one at the bar, NOT alone at the bar, or NOT even at the bar) may be subjected to a "NUTKX", which is a Windows software module which will provide the user with a swift kick to the privates upon next logon to work computer as punishment for violation of important social norms. NUTKX may also be provided manually by the recipient of the bogus WHYYY?? call or by the bartender. WHYYY???? text messages, facebook/twitter updates, and/or instant messages are similarly not acceptable and will quickly be faced with a stern poke in the chest from the tallest person in attendance.

9. Contests, competitions, shenanigans: Contests such as no-repeat beer quest (not repeating a brand/style of beer for the entire 12 days), no-repeat tequila shots, drinking your drink out of another's shoe, duels at 20 paces, and of course footraces are highly encouraged. No special points will be awarded for most "shushings" (i.e. being told by an old lady that you're too loud and need to quiet down).

10. Alleged celebrity sightings: Always encouraged, always highly unlikely. It is believed that there has been only a single alleged celebrity sighting in the history of the TDDoC: the alleged sighting of Lilleth from Cheers in the Main Street Bistro circa 1999. Please try for more, and if encountered do your best to engage them in either (1) drinking heavily or (2) mean-spirited fisticuffs.

11. Hard liquor of the day: The first person at the bar (or first person that cares to do so) is encouraged to name a hard liquor of the day, and all are encouraged to imbibe in said liquor at some point during the evening, be it in a mixed drink, shot, straight up, or pouring it over one's own head. Shouts of "ALRIGHT, WHERE'S THE HARD LIQUOR?" (copyright The TEH Foundation) should of course accompany said activity.

12. Pre-season: According to Tamps, there is no pre-season and no points for any efforts shall be awarded….according to Tamps. I'm just sayin'.

13. “LAME” identifications: Please ensure that if you experience anything particularly lame during this event, notify all participants early and often. In addition, please capture all “lame” observations in printed form, and send via registered mail to the TDDOC elders, whoever that is.

14. Privacy Notice: Any hopes of privacy are limited at best, and everyone is responsible for themselves (copyright the DT Foundation).

So, without further ado, clear out your calendar and load up your office desk drawer with hangover remedies!!